A picture is worth a thousand licks

If you’ve ever seen The Pillow Book, you’ve shared the fantasy of painting up and down some hot dude’s body. Or even having some sexy artist type guy painting up and down yours. The paintbrush tickling up your skin, the curious designs directing your lover to your lady bits and then watching those designs smear on the bedsheets when you can’t take the teasing anymore. HOT.

There’s a plethora of companies who understand this need to get down and dirty with a creative flair. Every sex shop I’ve visited has a weighty section of colored oils, paint pens filled with lickable goo, and even finger pots with black light bulbs in case you feel the need to re-enact that steamy scene in Earth Girls are Easy.

On a recent excursion to Fascinations, I picked up this: Lovin’ Body Paints. Reasonably priced at $10, it boasted 4 flavors (Cherry, Blueberry, Lime and Lemon) and a paintbrush.

After some steamy sexting to my gentleman friend, I headed to his place and threw the kit into the fridge to let it cool down. This isn’t necessary, as the paints are displayed out on a regular shelf, but I figured it would add to the sensations. As things heated up between us, I snagged the kit out of the fridge, and asked my bearded hottie if he was up for a little art school.

The paintbrush is so small, I wondered if I had bought the paint kit for midgets. It’s awkward, and the cheap, stiff plastic bristles aren’t exactly tantalizing and don’t lend to the experience. In fact, they kind of scrape against your more tender bits. We ended up using our fingers instead.

We started with the cherry tub. It’s texture is like pudding, and they really fill the little container, so be careful when you open it or you could get a lap full of paint. Which may or may not be a good thing depending on how lick happy your mate is. The color is very bright, but you have to put it on thick if you want to see it. It’s not very sticky, and clean up is a breeze!

I only put two dots on a tender part of his skin, but that was more than enough to taste the flavor. And it was awful. It tasted just like cheap cough syrup. Unfortunately, that alone was enough for us to ditch art class and grab some honey we had just picked up at the Farmer’s Market. That went a lot better, though it’s very sticky (which is fun when it dries just a little and every part of you that touches bonds together) and a little harder to clean up. I definitely recommend putting down a sheet that you can throw into the washer when you’re done, and look forward to some extended shower time.

We’ll probably try the other flavors later when we’re drunk and feeling silly, but other than that, I would not recommend buying this product. In fact, you can find recipes on how to make your own, which I may do next time Ewan and I are looking to add a little color to our bedroom routine.

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