Choose Your Own Adventure – Train Edition

Having moved to a more populated area of Boston, my train riding experience has changed dramatically.  Instead of a fairly sparse train ride, every ride is like a Red Sox game has let out and this is the first train you could have gotten on after four trains passed because the MBTA likes to do that to you.  Take today.  I jammed myself into a packed car and proceeded to have a horrifying train ride, as I may have accidentally felt up not one, not two, but at least six unsuspecting gentlemen, and at least two ladies.  Instead of feeling like I wanted to bathe in anti-bacterial gel, I should have attacked this situation like an enterprising PoolBoy reader and had some metaphorical balls to make my train ride more awesome.

I get on the train, wrapping myself around a pole with my legs dangerously close to two gentlemen’s knees.

I attempt to make myself as small as possible, avoiding contact at all costs.  Instead, I should have used the following pick up lines:

  • To the silver fox to my left: “I’m very good at handling poles, aren’t I?”
  • To the younger, impressionable-looking young man to my right: “Yes, I am straddling your knees.  Would you like to straddle my face?”

After listening to the conductor shouting, “Move farther into the train!” scoot imperceptibly towards the back because no one is moving, sandwiching myself between two dudes.

I closed my eyes and wanted to shout to the heavens, “Why, why did I chose to move to this neighborhood?  Wasn’t living out in the boondocks near foxes much better than this?  Why did I trade agonizingly quiet nature for the perpetual Mardi Gras of civilization?” Instead, I should have done the following:

  • Turned around and winked, and said, “I didn’t think my dry streak would end on this train!”
  • Tapped the guy in front of me and asked, “Excuse me sir, may I cup your buttocks?  I’m practically doing it already, but I believe in consent.


Posted by Guest Blogger The Dirty Ghazaler

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