BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK YALL!!!!
Summer is a great time. While Earth’s northern hemisphere is tilted a lil more towards the sun, we’ve got swimming, rooftop parties, hot topless guys and hey hey: eating 5 hot dogs in a sitting is socially acceptable again for a short period of time! Also Summer is a great time for trashy television. Probably the only reason to be still watching the summer spectacular that is The Bachelor or Bachelorette is to catch all those hot wannabe-famous contestants trying their best to vie for the coveted position of being the bachelor/bachelorette’s CHOSEN ONE; only to be dumped in some humorously yet sadistic producer-derived method that ensures they make it to the next level of CBS’s romance prison, which we all know is mother-fuckin’ BACHELOR IN PARADISE.
HOW IT WORKS
Bachelor in Paradise (BIP) is by far the better show in The Bachelor or Bachelorette series. If you are unaware of this American gem of a reality tv show, then let me shame/show you:
The premise of the show is that the love-failed contestants from The Bachelor or Bachelorette are brought down to a pretty resort on the beach in Sayulita Mexico and then have a week to hook up and develop “meaningful relationships” (aka make-out with another washed up contestant.) If they fail to do so, they get asked to leave immediately by everyone’s favorite paper bag/tv show host Chris Harrison.*
RealityTV stars (groan) from previous seasons of The Bachelor or Bachelorette appear at random times with “Date Cards” wherein they can pick someone to go on a stereotypical romantic date like horse back riding, or zip lining, or a picnic on the beach – it doesn’t matter, it’s the same shit every season. The contestants have to give a rose to someone they are connecting with and it switches genders weekly, the women get to give roses to the men and then the next week the men have to choose a woman to give a rose to. Its not complicated. Its actually all bullshit. Honestly I just want to see these people cry.
The sudden influx of hot bodies on the board increases the tension on the show and also reveals the real personas of these contestants. Usually they put their best foots (? feets?) forward on the main franchisee shows of Bachelor or Bachelorette but on BIP they get fucking wasted and they waste their time fucking. Its pretty great. Love triangles develop and get dissolved in the same night.
The same night! It’s like freakin’ junior high school but with 20-30 year olds and a Mexican beach resort.
Shit got so crazy last season that they had to stop filming due to some misconduct allegations from producers. Producers were skeeved out by skeeviness of this show and so yeah….count me fucking IN.
This season is great because we’ve got some good villains on the show as well as some good potential couplings (TIA AND COLTON OMGZZZZ!!!!!)
Let’s Check Out The MENZ:
Chris is a goon. He calls himself Goose. He’s the guy that had that awesome Wanyne Newton song challenge/performance thingy in Vegas for Becca’s season of The Bachelorette but then expected her to come to him to talk when he was on a reality show ABOUT HER. He’s completely full of himself (did I mention he calls himself Goose?) So this will a good villain to watch.
Jordan is a blonde “model” who is also completely full of himself and makes the weirdest statements and comebacks. He’s ridiculous and I’m hoping he finds love with absolutely no one and goes home alone and sad and topless. Jordan has expressed interest in Analisse so now i am really concerned for her safety. David (the bland chicken, see below) is his nemesis, so hopefully they like punch each other or say douchey things in front of the ladies.
Wills was my personal favorite from Becca’s season of The Bachelorette after he handed Chris (ahem Goose) his ass when Chris tried to cut into Wills’ time with Becca after his infamous Vegas singing challenge. He’s cute and he dresses cool and seems like a cool dude so hopefully they have some rad ladies for this fella. Wills 4eva!!!
He’s a cardboard babe unfortunately. He’s from Rachel’s Season of The Bachelorette. Cute to look at but no personality, or at least it doesn’t come through on tv. So he’s here and yeah….
Kenny was the wrestler from Rachel’s season. He’s cute with his gap teeth and muscles. He seems like a nice guy, has a daughter and seemed like a real dude to fuck with albeit a bit cheesy like dad should be. I think he’ll get lots of action on the beach.
Who? He’s like that gross Ukrainian guy who gropes you on the train from Kiev to Budapest. Ugh….shudder. Whats up with the track suits bro? Shits not 1996 anymore. This guys bio says he’s from New Jersey and is a lawyer so now this all makes sense.
Another who? He seems like a nice guy. He was kinda bleh on Becca’s season. I dont really know why he’s here and who he can hook up with. He’s a software engineer so i guess he’s on the show to appeal to the ladies that love…..software engineering?
Kevin??!?! WTF? He was with Ashely I. (groan) from Bachelor Winter Games (a sad spinoff in the franchise probably not worth spending time on). Why the fuck is he on this show? And Ashley’s suddenly with Jared? Did she drop Kevin like a hot potato? Damn, girl was really into the sour cream and chedder cheese potato chip that is Jared. Kevin is hunky and a fire fighter so +100 but he’s also Canadian so -100.
David is primarily known as Jordan’s nemesis. He lives with his mom and she moms him like hardcore. So he’s fucking annoying and cannot relate to women or treat them like human beings. It will be exciting to seem him clash with Jordan; two douches just going at it until one dies in an orgasm of embarrassment.
Joe aka Grocery Joe is like some kind of weird awkward fan favorite from Becca’s season that is kind of cute in a wholesome midwestern-y way but is probably not the right guy for paradise. Why does everyone like him? He was cut by Becca on the first night of her season. He must not transfer well to video because Idk. He really should be the bartender (instead of Wells) this year, but whatever, he’s here and we gotta watch him i guess.
And Now The The Ladies, Get Funky:
Ooomph. Poor, poor Tia. Of course they would be bring her on. The producers love torturing these hotties, especially the women (see The Bachelor: Arie). Tia was responsible for Colten’s dismissal in Becca ‘s season (who by the way clearly understands the HOS B4 BROS lyfestyle) Will she be angry? Will she be cool? Are they bringing back Colten? Potential drama ahead mateys!
Analisse is scared of and cries at everything and is probably from Ohio by the looks of it. She famously got the boot after her fear of bumper cars in Arie’s season. Which…ok? She’s so bought into this idea of true love and “her person” that this season will be interesting. Makes me miss Kevin-dumper Ashley I.
Bibi (aka Boobiana or Bootyiana) is like probably too cool for this show. She’s like the friend that gets you wasted and suddenly you two are throwing shit from your hotel room down onto the pool decks cuz you saw some fucking hot dicks down there. Anyways I love her for no reason and for all the reasons. She’s the boobs and booty of the show, but i think she’s too Bibi for any man that would venture on to these sacred hunting grounds. She’s a predator not prey so she’s basically on the beach to stir up trouble and yes I’m here for it.
As a top 3 pick in Arie’s season (YYYYYYY THOOO???), Kendall is a high level player. She seems like a cool gal and I hope she finds someone who’s cool and not Arie and not a dick. She’s like into taxidermy and like vegetables and shit, weird but cool.
Angela is a model who was cut in week 1 from Nick’s season. To be honest I dont remember this lady but I’m sure she’s very nice.
Crazy eyes Krystal!! I don’t know what it is about her but she seems like she would be A LOT to date. She’s beautiful no doubt, but beautiful people on this show are a dime a dozen so that means absolutely shit. She was eliminated in the 2 on 1 with Arie and Kendall, who went on to be a top 3 choice for the douche-canoe that is Arie, so she has staying power. We could see a few guys fighting over her so this is a great choice.
Astrid is from Nick’s season of The Bachelor and she got voted off pretty quickly, so she was mostly unmemorable for me. Apparently she works at a plastic surgeon’s office so she’s open about her fake boobs, which is cool. Sorry, I don’t know much about her.
Nysha was voted off week 1 of Arie’s season so hopefully we get to see more of her because all I know is that she’s a nurse.
She’s a mom. I’m sorry thats all I know.
Place Your Bachelor in Paradise Bets!
Who is going to couple up? Who is going to cry? Who is going to explode!!!
I’m excited for the drama and tears and to see these bros topless. I’m also V interested in the ladies beach wear and bathing suit fashions. Bring it ladies!
We are going to be blogging about BIP all season long, every week, maybe even a couple times a week….cuz I have no life and I love to see beautiful people cry when they aren’t getting the attention they believe their beauty deserves. So check in often.
See you on the beach!
*I hate him.