PoolBoy’s Recap of Bachelor in Paradise Episode 7: Eat That Booty Like Groceries
Welcome back! We’re at episode 7 in our pseudo-erotic summer journey that is Bachelor in Paradise! This one’s a doozy toozy!!
We kick off where we left off – the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Kendall and Leo are fighting on a palapa bed. The rest of the cast clearly do not like Leo. They find him too aggressive and mean and he kinda is. He can’t handle communicating with Kendall so he starts attacking her verbally. Calling her a fake actress gets her so stressed out that GJoe steps in and saves her, which makes me want to fuck him so bad. I’M FEELING IT.
Joe de-stresses Kendall on a cute twin bed and I like really them and him and his maturity and shit…Joe is the shit.
Benoit Balls, The Sequel
Benoit, our emotional slice of Canadian bacon, has a frustrating convo with Jenna at the bar that is kinda lame. Jenna storms off in tears causing Jordan to “confront” Benoit after comforting Jenna….I don’t know…it’s all very boring. Don’t worry about it.
Annaliese and Kamil – OMG, i can’t believe (and neither can she) our Annaliese is in something! She likes Kamil. They seem kinda cute together. Could the love gods be favoring our gurrl?
Jenna and Jordan – drams
Astrid and Kevin – like the cute older popular couple
Kendall and Joe – so cute
Erica and Angela – they’ve been bumping together since early in the season but they aren’t on camera that much
Colton and Tia – BORING
Krystal and Chris – BONING
Chelsea – forever a bridesmaid
Benoit – emotional french Canadian
Connor – nice hair
John – rich playa
Leo – agressive
David – still here!
Eric gets the date card and takes Angela out on our their first official BIP date. They need this because who are they as a couple? Is there a connection there between them? They need to show us all this and more on their date.
They go to the Vidanta resort to a suite with a seafood buffet (zomg), a champagne tower and an amazing hot tub. It is luxurious and by far my favorite date on the show because I’m a fancy bitch and they get a huge hot fudge sundae delivered and a CHEESE plate!?!?!?
They did get some cheesy/cheapy seashell necklaces as gifts which I could pass on, but overall, yes this date is the best one of the season so far. They don’t really seem to have a deep connection though and I sense Angela’s just kind of talking herself into this thing. But they both eventually say that they’re “all in” with each other. What does “All In” mean anyways? Like they (this cast) are all saying the same shit over and over. Writing!
Back on the Paradise Beach, Chris wants Krazy Eyes Krystal to get a job. He sets up a yoga area and at first she seems a little irate with it. She asks him if he wants her to “work”. He says he just wants her to teach him yoga. She tells him he should teach her and then she just takes over and teaches him. He says in his interview that he’s in love with her caring qualities. Ok…..
John pulls Kendall aside to a palapa to talk. Kendall feels safe talking about Joe and Leo with John but John likes Kendall so he’s trying to make a move. Kendall tells John she’s been having real feelings for Joe. John then immediately tells her he finds her attractive and then they fucking kiss!
LIKE WHAT THE FUCKA?!?!?! This B.
Kendall immediately regrets her kiss with John. You can see it on her face. She cares about Joe so much but she just kissed John. WTF. That was dumb. She goes to Joe immediately and tells him everything. She’s scared. He’s scared. OK BIP. You got me. They belong together. I’m all in!
The Leos of the World
Leo is fucking stewing. And I understand his feelings. He kissed Chelsea right after his date with Kendall but she’s done something similar tonight. She kissed John right after Joe helped her and the whole reason this shit even started was because she kissed Leo and went on a date with him after being with Joe pretty much since the beginning. So it is kind of bullshit that Leo’s been held to a standard that others are not (Krystal and Connor for instance) but Leo did blow it by being a douche about everything and so yeah..he needs to go.
THE BITCH BLOW UP
But Leo can’t let it go. At the cocktail party he lets everyone know they are full of shit. He’s out people! He calls either Joe or Kendall a bitch (it’s unclear) and Joe confronts him mano y mano-style. The editing is great. Joe asks Leo to say “grocery store bitch” to his face and Leo just says it 2 inches from Joe’s fucking face. Then it gets messy and Leo ends it by throwing a drink on Joe. The drama is juicy.
Leo saunters off to the SUV while Joe and Kendall reconcile on the beach and Tia and Colton eat hot dogs like the nasties they are. The crew re-gather for the rose ceremony and since Leo’s volunteered to leave, there’s only 3 guys going home tonight. The women are handing out roses so Benoit, David, John and Connor all have to fight for Chelsea’s affections as she’s the only one giving out a “free” rose tonight.
Well planned Chelsea. Well, fucking, planned. You saucy, long game-playing minx.
David. Go. The. Fuck. Home. He is only on here to antagonize Jordan and that worked early on but was too transparent so he’s just been drinking and talking shit at the bar since then. Whenever David talks I want to punch him in the throat. His last desperate attempt at wooing Chelsea fails and she sends him off to talk about John.
What is it about John that attracts Chelsea?????
Hmmmm…mm…what could it be?
John tells us Chelsea’s ex was half-asian and he’s half-asian so he’s hoping she wants to date someone like her ex. Or she has a type? I really feel like Chelsea would have been all over John’s balls from the jump if she was really into half-asian guys. So John might be out of luck.
Connor’s attempts at getting Chelsea’s card results in a kiss but they don’t seem to have much of a connection. Benoit, who made out with Chelsea early on in this episode in a hammock, finally gets his time with tonight’s wild card and it seems to go well. My money’s on Chelsea giving her rose to Benoit. He’s french Canadian, that’s her background (she mentioned it to us when he arrived) and that’s close to Maine, where she lives and refuses to leave. This could work.
The Rose Ceremony
On to the chopping block! Here are the couples that give and get roses in tonight’s rose ceremony (the 3rd of this season):
Krystal to Chris – gross alien love
Kendall to GJoe – I LOVE LOVE
Tia to Colton – boring love
Jenna to Jordan – weird love
Astrid to Kevin – cool love
Annaliese to Kamil – this is happening love
Angela to Eric – luxury date love
Chelsea to JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHA?????????? I did not expect that. I guess she does have a type!!!
David – GO DAVID
Benoit – BALLS & fake SUV crying
Connor – sorry but boy bye
Leo – doesn’t really count because he bounced but he does count cuz he’s a dick
A new contender arrives! Olivia is from Chicago and appeared on Arie’s season of The Bachelor. She went home the first night so people don’t really know much about her. She gets a date card to start off and takes Joe aside to seek out what his and other people’s relationship status’ are. She does the same with Kamil. All the guys are taken except for John. She takes John aside and they connect on growing up in/around Chicago. She asks him out and he says yes. She’s cute and seems to have good energy and I like her top!
Oh shit drams! Cassandra arrives the day after the rose ceremony to shake things up and shake things up she does. She’s from Juan Pablo’s season (‘memba him?) of The Bachelor and is an old BIP alum, appearing on season 2. She’s cute. She’s a mom. The guys find her very attractive, the girls are very insecure. She takes Colton aside first but he lets her know he’s taken. He tells her that he and Tia are together but recommends (unseen by us) some guys. Cut to Cassandra asking Eric to talk aside. Eric seems to really like her. He tells her he has been with Angela but they’ve been taking it slow and he’s open to whatever. Cassandra asks him on a date and he says YES.
Angela freaks out because her and Eric just had a convo about being “all in” for each other, whatever that means. This could be bad. This could be really bad.
Eric pulls Angela aside to tell her he said yes to Cassandra because even though he told Angela last night he wouldn’t go on another date with anyone else, he apparently changed his mind this morning (supposedly before Cassandra arrived….ok..sure…) and wants to explore whatever now. Now he has different feelings. Whatever. This is all bullshit.
Eric and Angela are done-zo.
John and Olivia’s date consists of crashing quinceañera. It’s very awkward at first, John and Olivia have no idea what this event is so it has to be explained to them/us. The party begins and honestly, this quinceañera looks like mucho fun. My mom stopped having birthday parties for me when I turned 10 so this would have been something I would have totally made her do had she not given up on me at such a young age.
The party crashing goes well and it looks like they have fun. They kiss on a travel palapa brought by the BIP producers to this girl, nay, this woman’s coming of age party and it looks cheesy as fuk.
This ep started off with a bang. Leo giving Kendall and the rest of the crew a run for their drama-earned money was great tv. Ands it definitely helped turn Joe into the protagonist this show needed. Chelsea getting gang banged for a rose was well played and she’s growing on me. There are some really strong couples forming but there are also some couples that easily went down in tonights episode. Eric and Angela are gone. Leo and Kendall, gone. New arrival, Olivia, threatened Chelsea and John’s tenuous bind and she might not be here for long.
Hot Take 1: Benoit cried a lot on this episode
Hot Take 2: What are Chelsea’s hand tats? Waves?