PoolBoy’s Review of Bachelor in Paradise Epi 2: SWEATY BALLS

We’re back for Episode 2 (week 2 episode 1) of BiP! We are back for the drama, the tears, and the narcissism! This episode is an elimination round. The ladies will be giving their roses to a guy they connected with at the end of the episode and those guys without a rose will be asked to leave the show.  Fingers crossed your favs stay!

 

INTROS

Colton came in last week so he’s in the intro segment this episode.  The only change on cast intros is Tia, who is throwing a football to Colton (BUT HE MISSES hint hint hint.) Previously Tia was showering in cowboy boots, and now she hawking it to C-word…interesting.

 

LETS BEGIN

First tings first, we gotta deal with this Tia/Colton/Chris love triangle.  When this episode starts it’s still nighttime in BIP world. We are carrying over from the previous episode and Tia and Colton are getting back from their date.  Nick, Jordan and Chris (the 3 coolest guys) are still shit talking Colton. They are pumping Chris up to take back his lady.  Suddenly Colton shows up and slaps Jordan on the back. Tia and Colton are back from their date and they kissed and Tia is on cloud nine. Colton is…….looking very closed off from everyone. He’s got the “I’ve made a huge mistake” eyes.

 

Astrid thinks Tia’s given Colton too many chances and is not seeing the signs and I agree. Tia wants something that she cannot have.

Chris and Colton and Nick sit down with Colton to talk about Tia. Colton suddenly drops a bomb – He’s not committed to Tia. He says he’s “exploring other options” and he says Tia is on the table as well. This is obviously not true since Colton’s scenes with Chris and Jordan conflict with Tia’s interview scenes wherein she says they are most defo in a relationship.

Chris is very fake upset about this. He wants Colton to commit to Tia and Tia only, so Chris can be this season’s playboy. Sorry Chris but it’s Colton this season. These guys cannot handle Colton. They thought this would be some big blowout but it is not. It’s tre anti-climatic.  Colton seems to be using his “love” for Becca and subsequent heartache as a reason why he is still trying to figure out himself, but I’m not buying it. He wants to be here to fuck, not to date Tia.

I still want to punch Chris in the face for some reason. Maybe Chris does deserve Tia.

 

Date Card

Kenny gets the 2nd date card of the season! He goes around talking to all the ladies to see if who he would like to go on a date with and I think that’s smart.  I love Kenny and hope he finds love but he chooses Krystal and Kevin is pissed about this. Krystal seems kind of shocked that Kenny would have a crush on her and I feel her. Kenny seems too cool for her.  I don’t see him being her type. Kevin definitely seems like her type.

BUT: Kenny and Krystal’s date is actually really cool. They go to a lucha libre wrestling match.  Kenny was so chill in this date I think he actually might have changed Krystal’s mind. He describes whats happening in the match to Krystal and then he gets involved, wrestling in the ring, defending her honor.

I WOULD HAVE FUCKED HIM RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

I would have been like “That’s so sexy, lets fuck in the SUV on the way back to the resort!”

It was cute that Kenny and Krystal bonded over being on these crazy reality tv shows. Kenny’s kiss line was cheesy but cute.

I’m kind of liking them together.

 

Potential Couples

Jordan and Annaliese! Jordan is laying it on thick and Annaliese is wary of him but is being nice.  Honestly though, why is David here? Just to antagonize Jordan? Who cares? Jordan will do himself in, not David.

Jordan walks like my friend Ethan when he was in 5th grade. He takes his cankles down to the beach with Annaliese and charms her into liking him. WHYYYYYYY He’s not a model Annaliese!! He even back-hand kisses her by asking her “did you ever get a kiss on Arie’s season?”

Ugh I guess they’re a couple now?

Ugh.

 

New couple alert: Kevin and Astrid! I like this couple! They actually seem real and a good match! I am shipping them!

 

 

The Rose Ceremony

The guys are sweating tonight big time. Most seem unsure of their relationships.  Chris Harrison arrives, with nothing to say as usual, and lets everyone know that 2 guys will be going home tonight, but first they cast has to have a pre-rose ceremony cocktail party that gives them all last minute chances to finalize their decisions tonight. Bibi says everyone would be OK if Colton went home right now but we all know that’s not going to happen, so lets break it down:

-Nick and David are trying to get a rose from Chelsea

-Joe wants a rose from Kendall

-Chris and Colton want roses from Tia

-Jordan wants a rose from Annaliese so bad he gives her a giant stuff dog??????

-Wills is in danger!!! NOOOOO

-John is in danger!!!

-Krystal will probably save Kenny

-Kevin kissed Astrid last night so she might save him

 

Cocktail Party Shocker

Tia pulled Colton aside right before the rose ceremony to make sure Colton and her were on the same page. Guess what? They are not! Colton says he came on the beach to be selfish and doesn’t want Tia to see him being with other girls. Tia’s heart drops in that moment and she goes from love worried to vindictive BITCH.

She’s not getting what she wants from Colton tonight and she is pissed about it. She tries to get Colton jealous by telling him that Chris and her kissed yesterday but he says that doesn’t bother him. This just pisses her off more. Suddenly she’s interested in seeing other guys on the show and she needs to be free to do that.

I kind of feel bad for Colton. He wants to date and explore and doesn’t want to hurt Tia but he doesn’t want to be with her. He’s stuck. At least he’s being honest with Tia, he could have faked it tonight with her and gotten his rose and then dumped her but he’s letting it all out now, right before the ceremony. He’s for certain going home.

Tia has all the power and she knows it. She wants him gone out of white hot anger at rejection. He and his beautiful drangonfly shirt are done.  Tia then goes and find Chris, who has some sweet tea for her (dumb), and they kiss. Astrid is right. This is a hot mess.

Colton runs to Daddy’s Girl (Angela) who lets him know that she’s suspicious of him due to the whole Tia-thang, things are not going well for Colton tonight.  Colton confronts the dudes (Nick, Chris and Jordan) who all backed out of the shit they were talking. Again, this confrontation between the dudes is BORING. They need to fight this shit out!

 

Roses are Red

Here’s who gave out roses:

Krystal to Kenny

Astrid to Kevin

Tia to Chris

Kendall to GJoe

Chelsea to David

Angela to John

Nysha to Eric (THEY DONT EVEN SHOW THIS!!!!!! MOTHERFUCKING RACIST! LAMEEEEEEEE)

Bibiana to COLTON WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!! BIBI for the WIN!!!!!!!!

 

That means Wills and Nick were eliminated from the show this week. And the first two cast members eliminated on this season.

 

 

First Cry of Episode 2

Tia! Surprise surprise! She chokes up and starts crying while telling Colton he’s going home tonight because no one is going to give him a rose. I’m over her now.  She deserves Chris and his sweet tea.

2nd place goes to Colton who cries (or tries to) for 20 minutes after Becca randomly shows up at the end of this episode to talk to him about his feelings.  Becca releases him so he can get his fuck on after his beach cry.

 

Episode 2 Summary

Bibi saved Colton’s ass! I love her so much!!  I’m super bummed that my man Wills didn’t make it past the first elimination ceremony! Like wtf? They didn’t give him quality ladies to connect with and now he’s gone! BOO! HISS! Our loss.  Orlando lawyer Nick also got eliminated, his rico sauve-ness could not save him.

This Tia and Colton bs is getting to be annoying. He honestly doesn’t seem into her and I wouldn’t be either after I learned she got me kicked off Bachelorette.  I think she deserves Chris since she kept him on the back burner, enjoy your back burner meat grrrrl.

 

HOT TAKE 1: All the dudes are so sweaty on this show!!!! Give them some wipes! Humidity sucks!

HOT TAKE 2: BIP SUCKS FOR KICKING OFF WILLS!!

 

 

 

New Cast

 

Yuki

Image from Popsugar.com

Yuki is here from Bachelor:Winter Games as the 2nd bartender with Wells.  She’s happy! Yay Yuki!

 

Becca

Image from Bustle.com

Bahelorette Becca doesn’t really count, but she was flown down to Mexico to make Colton cry so she counts in my heart

 

We’ve got week 2 part 2 airing next so we’ll see what the drama brings! Until next the next episode my friends! Stay salty!

If you’re not up to date on this shit, check out our recap and review of Bachelor in Paradise Episode 1

and our intro to Bachelor in Paradise Season 5!

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