It’s about to get coconuts! Welcome back to our review of Bachelor in Paradise Season 5. YES SO EXCITED. We are here. Episode one of season 5 of Bachelor in Paradise (BIP)!
The previews for this season make it look hot!
First tangs first: It looks like Ashley I. and Jared get engaged at the end of this season so we all have that to look forward to, Leo calls someone a grocery store bitch (JOE?!?!?), and it looks like Arie and Lauren are here at some point too.
Intros to Bachelor in Paradise Cast
I love the intros to the cast during the opening credits and what they cheekily mean. Like why is Krystal throwing glitter? Does that mean she’s fake? Why is Wills fishing? David is on a medical board with a margarita because he fell off his bunk bed in Becca’s season. Chris knows he’s the villain which is why the wave washes him away. I’m kind of loving Annaliesse’s intro:
AND MOTHERFUCKING JOHN HAS MONEY??????? OK……
Also did you not see COLTON in the guys’ group shots? He’s here bitches.
Tia arrives first, and makes sure we all know this show is going to be about her and the C-word (Colton). Eric arrives second, and Tia tries to shake his hand all awkwardly. Is Tia like a secret racist?
Eric’s just “open to it”, that’s as exciting as it gets with him, though he does give Kendall some shit about her white nails so that could be exciting. GIVE US SOMETHING ERIC!!!!
Boobiana is here and boobilicious as ever. She says she’s letting her hoohaa tell her which dick to jump on which is cool and defo what I do when looking for a potential mate.
Everyone’s favorite hate-fuck Jordan arrives rather anti-climatical. He talks with Bibi but her hoohaa doesn’t tingle so she’s not into it. I LOVE THAT BIBI WONT STOP TALKING ABOUT HER PUSSY!!!!!!! Did she lose a bet with her friends? This season is making my hoohaa flare up….hopefully it’s something antibiotics can clear.
Wills, Wells, WIlls, WElls, I, E, Wills.
Boring ass Chelsea arrives. She’s the one holding a drink in her into and just staring into the camera. WHO ARE YOU B???
and: OMG Gjoe and Kendall. EYE ROLL on Kendall’s “weird girl” talk. We all like skulls lady.
GOOSE HAS ARRIVED. Is he trying to outshine Wills in his shirt game? The king cannot be dethroned.
LOL at Tia and Bibi talking shit about Krystal right before she walks down!!!!!!
Tia is completely waiting on Colton. Tia is worried about Krystal stealing Colton! I WOULD BE TOOOO.
Tia says “If I see her here, I will fall into a hole and die.” and then when she sees her on the beach she just says “HIiiiIIIIIiiiiiIIIiii!!!!!”
Super awkward blonde hair convo between Tia and Krystal. Two bottle blondes dissing each other passive aggressively.
KRYSTALS FROM MONTANA???? WTF?
I would have thought she was from LA?????? Color me surprised.
John’s from San Francisco, he’s a little bit of a nerd, is a software engineer and he’s posing with cash in his intro……this dude must be loaded. INTERESANTE.
Nysha shows up looking cute and skinny. Nick shows up in soccer shorts? KENNY ARRIVES!!! He is here to GET IT. Astrid arrives, looking very put together, but like, who will she click with? I feel like none of these guys appreciate her level of put-together-ness.
Everyone has the C-word in their mouths! Makes me think he’s not coming until later.
UGH JORDAN’S MOM TOLD HIM TO GO FOR ANNALIESE. All she knows about Jordan is that he had beef with the guy that wore the chicken suit (David) on his Bachelorette season. David then instantly arrives, thanks to beautiful editing, which allows us to enjoy every embarrassing interaction quickly and efficiently.
Chris Harrison, bland as ever and makes the worst chicken joke ever when David came down.*
He says “I think you got his wrong, I had ordered the chicken.”
And I was like EYE ROOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL.
Chris Harrison, can you take an acting or improv class or something? How much are you phoning it in right now?
Do they have a writer for him or do they just open his sarcophagous and tell him where to stand?
Do you believe Tia didn’t talk to Colten after filming Becca’s season? The season where she famously got Colton dismissed by Becca after telling her she still had feelings for him? OK. SURE.
Angela sneaks in there and she’s here, hanging out on the beach.
Chris Harrison** explains the whole shabang and we’re starting off this week with the ladies giving out roses. There’s 9 ladies and 10 guys.
Then the contestants get to see the queen size bunk beds they have to fuck in. The digs look good but I would not want 2 adult people fucking on the full size mattress bunk bed above me while I tried to sleep.
YALL TIA IS DESPERATE FOR COLTON. She cannot stop talking about him. She cannot stop thinking about him. She cannot function without him. If he doesn’t arrive she will probably throw herself into the ocean ya’lllllll. Bitch, you are here to fuck. If he’s not here you gots to saddle up on a new horse.
So of course they give her the date card first. Colton’s not here, she wants him to be and we all devilishly want this drams.
FIRST CRY OF THE SEASON GOES TO TIA!!!!!
Dude, is Tia insane? She is freaking out over having to go on a date with someone else besides the C-word. She’s in a precarious position. There’s no guarantee Colton will come and she doesn’t want to waste her date card opps. But there’s no dude here that she ‘s super into like Colton so she’s naturally conflicted. Why she choses Chris aka Goose to invite to her date is probably because the producers told her to but I like to think it’s because she’s a horrible judge of men.
GJoe starts it off by getting in to convos with all the ladies, he is a hot commodity I guess? He’s cute but so bland.
Question: Do they eat any foods besides chips and guac? Like it looks delicious but no wonder there is so much drama and bad decision making on this show, these guys and gals are surviving on chips, guac and margaritas.
Nick and Chelsea have an awkward convo on the beach. WHAT WAS THAT? Ugh Nick, please don’t ever, ever refer to women as “snacks” . He sounds like he’s going to rob you or sell you into some kind of sex-traffic ring. His belly flop tho!
Dude defo practices law in Orlando.
Kenny’s daughter looks so grown!!! OOOOOHH ASHELY CHEATED ON KEVIN!!!! DAMN.
I really want to punch the Goose’s face. What is his tattoo? I hate it already. He literally tells Tia that he’s here to talk to women who normally wouldn’t give him the time of day in his real life. That means he wanted to go onto to a show where women are forced to talk to him. HE IS A DICK. That’s why women won’t talk to him in real life.
1st Date Card
Tia chooses Chris for her date card even though she really doesn’t want to be on this date with Chris.
And what is the date they go on? Just dinner and a light show? Kissing by a lake? That shit was so thrown together last minute.
Tia does not like Chris. She cant even keep a straight face when she says “yeah I think there will be more kisses in our future.”
The rest of the cast talks about how Chris and Tia will play it platonically on the date and are surprised and unbelieving (like the rest of us) when they come back talking about how they like each other.
Sorry BIP producers, but you cannot convince me that Tia is going to fall for Chris? This has got to be staged? C-word is arriving soon so this is to distract us, it has got to be.
C-WORD IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!
Colton is here. His back is sweaty. Tia’s pussy has just tightened up to a pin hole as soon as she sensed a giant virgin dong had entered Mexico.
Chris is litteraly throwing a football around when Colton, ex-pro football player, arrives. V Nice editing BIP.
Tia is ecstatic, you can see it on her face, when C-word arrives. But suddenly after intros, Colton pulls Kendall aside first.
Is he doing that to see what Tia’s status is? Is he mad at her for getting a him kicked off Becca’s season?
Tia cannot stop staring. The producers have put this together for us and it is delicious.
Now I’m kind of hating Colton. He just talking to tall these other bitches!?!?? Is he punishing her?
OH SHIT 1st New Couple Alert
Joe and Kendall! She calls him the most awkward guy she’s ever met. He seems sincere and totally out of his element on this show. Like why are you doing this Joe? Who is running your grocery store back in Chicago? Think about the produce!
FIRST KISS OF THE SEASON
Kendall and Joe. Damn girl wanted to be the first to kiss Joe on the show! Krazy Eyes Krystal is not happy about this.
Lol at Nysha and Jordan in the awkward hot tub later that night, just talking about deep shit like life and reincarnation and crabs.
POTENTIAL COUPLE ALERT: KRYSTAL and KEVIN!!!!!!
This could work! Two overly good looking people dating could either end in disaster or kids who model.
OTHER COUPLE BESIDE TIA AND COLTON:
COLTON AND ANGELA????????
They seemed to get along together well on the beach and ol’ Ang was laying it on hard. Her “daddy” played football and if Colton knows what’s good for him he’ll stay far away from a grown woman who calls her father “Daddy.”
Nah Tia and Colton
Finally, finally, Colton stops torturing Tia and asks her on the date. She says yes because of course. The rest of the cast are probably bored to shit so this is all they have to talk about right now.
OK so now, Colton’s date is more like a BIP date. They go to Puerto Vallarta and take a yacht out on the ocean. They talk and drink on the boat about their time dating before Colton went on Becca’s season.
Its pretty obvious that the guys all hate and/or are intimidated by him because Jordan, Nick and Chris are non-stopping talking shit about Colton.
Back to Colton and Tia:
Here’s the big moment, the reveal of the episode – are Tia and Colton ok? Is he upset that she got him kicked off Becca’s season?
Seems like he is, though he was the one who wanted to go on the Bachelorette after dating Tia. But Tia’s being honest and she really likes him. He’s all “upset” about Becca but he’s not closing the door on them. But he doesn’t want to take her back so easy, he wants to punish her for getting him kicked off the Bachelorette.
Tia kind of lies to his face when she tells him she wasn’t trying to hurt him when she told Becca she still had feelings for him. She wanted him kicked off so she could be with him.
They ride a jet ski and Tia says she’s been waiting for this moment for like 6 months. Maybe she really hasn’t seen him since Bachelorette finished filming???? They kiss on the yacht. Yeah, this all feels sketchy. Are they or aren’t they? Colton doesn’t seem so into her. She seems very into him.
This is going to end awesomely.
The episode ends on a dramatic cliffhanger – Chris and Colton are going to to talk one-on-one about Tia!
Episode 1 Summary:
This is just the beginning bitch. There is a lot to come. I’m guessing they are starting off with this light-weight Chris-Tia-Colton love triangle because it’s (hopefully) the least dramatic of drams that this season entails. I am looking forward to love triangles between Kendall and Joe and whoever, as well as Krystall and Kevin and whoever, and Wills and whoever – maybe Chelsea? Don’t forget we’ve still got Jordan to contend with! This kickoff episode set up some sweet misery for our cast so stay tuned!!!
New Cast Members This Episode:
Oh the sweet sweet, angelic, mid-western virgin angel baby that is Colton. He’s from central Illinois, has blonde hair, blue eyes, is tall and muscular, and played pro-football. He tells everyone he’s a virgin but I have a really hard time believing that. He’s like every girls dream and that’s what is driving Tia completely bonkers right now. Will he want to be with her? Apparently he and Tia met up before Becca’s season of The Bachelorette was to film and spent a weekend together having a good time. Then Colton told Tia he was going to go onto Becca’s Bachelorette season so he and Tia parted ways. Then while filming the Bachelorette: Becca Loves Racists, Tia came on as one of Becca’s close friends and told Becca she had had a relationship with Colton prior to the show filming. Becca was ok with that but then later, after Colton and Becca became close, Tia came on again on a separate, later episode and told Becca privately that she still had feelings for Colton. Becca eliminated him that night.
So now he’s on BIP and so is Tia. Let the Will They Or Won’t They? games begin!
Until the next episode baby! See you in Sayulita!!!
*He does not rake or clean anything and I hate him.