Hey Hey! It’s the 2nd to last episode on the summer trash extravaganza Bachelor in Paradise for our weary cast, crew, and audience, and it’s bittersweet. Our kooky couples now have one last chance to make it or break it. Is this shit real-zies for them?
We start off with Shushanna letting us know that she’s a good witch. We hear a narrator, Kamil, tell us that he found out last night that Shu burnt his photo in a fire, though we never, ever actually see her do this. I guess they are continuing with this crazy witch story-line.
Kevin and Astrid – they have been going strong since day one and I feel an engagement soon
Joe and Kendall – a lot of drama together but maybe the drama made them stronga
Kamil and Annaliese – seems weird but she’s thirsty and he needs a cover for his serial killing
Jordan and Jenna – Jordan wears too tight pants. That’s going to affect his fertility, Jenna run!!!
Jordan and Jenna do a pre-pre-pre-engagement photoshoot, for their pre-pre-pre-engagement. It’s cute, but then when Jenna has to wear an ugly wedding dress, she starts to freak out. Its funny how the show still treats these engagements as so serious when they often don’t last longer than a month. I know it builds up the drama but it’s stupid. Jenna meets back up with Jordan, now in a tux, and they talk about freaking out about their love. Then they go into the ocean and Jordan drops Jenna into waves, ruining her ugly dress (yes!) and hair and makeup (no!). These nerds.
WTF NEW ARRIVAL?!?!
I don’t know why they did this but they threw Robby into the fray on the final week of Paradise. All the ladies are not exactly JAZZED to see him. His rep is being an asshole cheater. He likes to “play the game” and everyone knows it except for maybe Shushanna who says she would “double tap that” LOL.
Robby asks Krystal to talk and we all laugh inside because she’s on Chris’ dick hardcore so Chris is not worried and neither are we. Robby then pulls aside Kendall, who tells him about Joe. Same with Cassandra, same with all the other girls, including Jenna and by now Robby is getting a little flustered.
FINALLY, FINALLY, Robby pulls aside Shushanna. She’s like the last girl he talks too and she accepts way too fast and easily. She’s excited. He’s like…yay I’ve not been 100% rejected (which would have been awesome).
Shushanna uses her witchcraft to explode a champagne bottle in front of Wells, Jenna and Jordan; and then she goes on her sad date with Robby. My question is, is Robby really into Shushanna? He’s just replies to her questions with euphemisms. They eat dinner under a tree that is shedding and then dance on a patio. Robby has psycho eyes too. It’s all very sad.
What About These Other Bums?
Cassandra wants to see if NZ Jordan and her are a real thing or not. They eat ice cream on a bed and talk about making moves until Jordan asks Cassandra if she’s asking him to make a move. Then he sits up and kisses her. BLAND.
GJoe and Kendall find a palapa to cuddle on and talk about their relationship. They both really like each other. But she’s in LA, he’s in Chicago, would this work? Now she’s suddenly freaked out. She’s going to “sleep on it.” This freaks GJoe out! Oh God are these two breaking up!????!??! After everything????
Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party
The last rose ceremony! Only one guy is going home tonight. It might be Robby or it might be John or it might be Diggy. Diggy and John are in a love triangle with Olivia. So Diggy or John could go home tonight. And if the other girls talk to Shushanna and warn her off Robby, he might go tonight. Diggy tries to make a move on Olivia by inviting the trumpet player from their date back to Paradise to remind her of their spark. John senses this and smartly steals Olivia, whisking her away to a “sunflower field”, where-in he laid a blanket on the beach and stuck a bunch of sunflowers in the sand around it. Then John cheesily says “you’re the brightest person here for me” to Olivia and they kiss. I’m not buying it John. Just go home.
Cue sad trumpet next to Diggy.
He’s probably going home……
OH and the ladies make a move on Shushanna and explain Robby’s past to her. He cheated on Amanda (a previous BIP contestant) and she caught him cheating via photos. This throws Shushanna into a tailspin. She pulls Robby aside to talk to him about the cheating and he takes advantage of the fact that English is her second language. He just weasels his way through the convo and says “I’d like to think that that is in my past.” Shu buys it. Guess Robby is staying.
GJoe and Kendall try to work out their shit. She left him in a weird place last night, she had a weird attitude about everything suddenly and then Joe spent all day being anxious about how she feels. Now it’s the rose ceremony and he’s freaking out. Kendall shows up and grabs Joe for a talk on a palapa.
Their talk does not go good. NOPE. She feels like they are expected to continue their relationship after the show and that’s a lot of pressure. She knows she loves Joe but she doesn’t know if she’s in love with Joe yet. She says she doesn’t know how Joe feels because he doesn’t express it to her. He says he feels like he couldn’t express it because she always said she didn’t want a clingy guy and so he didn’t want to be pushy. He also felt like him staying by her side the whole time was hime showing he liked her (and I agree) and she should have known that (I don’t agree). Kendall starts crying. She’s conflicted. Suddenly Joe says he’s leaving. He’s not staying here. He just up and decides he’s leaving. Kendall is not happy about this but she just sits there in silence, hugs him goodbye and cries. Joe walks up to the cast at the bar and they know. He says adios and bounces. Kendall cries on the palapa until Astrid comes and comforts her. Then Kendall gets in her SUV and cries on the way to the airport.
I understand Joe’s feelings but him up and clamming up and bouncing….that’s some fear of rejection shit. He can’t handle this. He can’t handle Kendall and her concerns about how and if their relationship is going to work out in the real world. He freaked internally and then handled it by fleeing. Fight or flight. Joe took that flight.
BYE JOOOOOOE :(((((((
Gah so now a solid, long term couple, is suddenly gone. The other couples are now freaking out. The following roses are handed out:
Cassandra to NZJordan
Shushanna to Robby (barf)
Annaliese to Kamil
Astrid to Kevin
Krystal to Chris (in the babiest of baby voices! The baby voice is back!!!)
Jenna to Jordan
Olivia to John
That means Diggy is out along with Joe and Kendall. Sad trumpet.
The Last Daze
The next day after the rose ceremony the couples are chilling around the beach. Kevin orders an 8 egg omelet when suddenly, Chris Harrison* slithers out of his cave and tells the couples that TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY OF PARADISE. A new, more sober/somber mood falls over everyone. Chris tells them that tonight is Fantasy Suite Night. The couples have to decide if they are going to the fantasy suit to fuck and solidify their relationships or they can all say their goodbyes to each other and EVERYONE and leave. The girls and guys separate to talk about their shit.
First off, WHAT IS ROBBY WEARING? It looks like an oscar dress Jennifer Lawrence would wear!
First on the chopping block are John and Olivia. He breaks up with her. He doesn’t think they should go to the fantasy suite and she agrees. They agree to be friends and hang out outside of the show and walk off hand-in-hand on the beach. BYE John and Olivia!
Cassandra and NZ Jordan take their walk of shame along the beach to a palapa where NZJordan tells her he doesn’t think their shit will work because they din’t have the time to develop it more. Bye Cassandra and Jordan!
Robby dumps Shushanna and they hug, BYE SHU!
Kamil and Annaliese take it to the palapa of tears and he, with zero emotion, tells her he would like to go to the Fantasy Suite with her. Score Annaliese!!
Chris and Krystal are already fucking so they are on for the Fantasy Suite. Same with Jordan and Jenna.
Kevin and Astrid. Ugh ok so Kevin is feeling the feels, as we all are, and the fantasy of Paradise is breaking for him. The reality is that he is scared about the Fantasy Suite. He regrets going it in Bachelor Winter Games with Ashley I. Astrid is shocked. She’s trying to process it all but then Kevin drops the bomb that he doesn’t think their relationship will work outside of this, lifestyle-wise. Kevin says he’s at 80% (and we all know Astrid deserves 100%). Kevin breaks up with Astrid then and there. This is a big shock to her. They seemed very solid. Almost like a real couple. He totally blindsides her and she is pissed because she asked him not to do that (though how could he not?)
Kevin cries out to Astrid as she leaves him “don’t leave me like this!” and then sobs on the palapa. Goodbye Kevin and your ogre face!!! Goodbye Astrid. You seem like a cool chick.
Dang, so much stuff is happening right now, they are dropping like flies! I’m feeling all the feels about all this. On one hand I’m happy this shit is ending, on the other, Kevin and Astrid were cool. So now i’m sad. Ugggh.
Fantasy Fuck Suites
All right, back to the love. The girls and guys discuss Astrid and Kevin’s departure when Chris Harrison*, freed from his sex gimp cage, and wearing a stained, beat up undershirt with his linen suit, appears to tell the couples that it’s time to fuck!
Chris and Krystal get the biggest Fuck Suite, Jenna and Jordan the middle-sized one, and Annaliese and Kamil are in a rather small suite. I wonder what the says about the real depth of these couples. Chris and Krystal do seem like the realest couple. She’s back on her baby voice, he loves that shit. He seems to worship her. She loves to be worshipped. I could see this working out in the real world.
Annaliese and Kamil eat polish sausage in their mini-suite and make dick jokes (maybe they are in love!) Kamil admits that he’s been single for 2 1/2 years!! Holy shit! That seems like a really long time for a good looking guy in NYC. Is he trying to tell Annaliese that he is a serial killer!?!??!?!??!? GIRRRRL YOU IN DANGER! They laugh and then Kamil takes her and his sausage to bed.
In the medium-sized suite, two crazy people talk about their weird love for each other. Jordan seems to really be obsessed with Jenna. I don’t think she likes him as much as he likes her but she’s another one that loves to be adored and worshipped so she’s cool with all this. They profess their love for each other and it’s gross. Then we’re shown a montage of the couples kissing and their pre-sex stuff and then fireworks (representing the orgasms) and ta dah! Fantasy night and our time at the beach is over.
Wow this was one of the most emotional episodes this season. It’s like season 7 of Game of Thrones, they are tying up this shit quickly. Kendall and Joe, and Astrid and Kevin are no more. SAD. Those 2 couples, along with Krystal and Chris, were the strongest. But everything ends, even paradise. Throwing Robby in at the last minute was kind of cheap but it made Shushanna happy for a second so that was cool I guess. Diggy was the last contestant to not get a rose on the show. Sad trumpet. The final episode of the season is tomorrow and we’ll see who has stayed together since filming wrapped and how has never even talked to each other since they left Mexico.
Hot Take One: Robby and that fucking tank top! WTIF?
Hot Take Two: Kendall didn’t deserve Joe.
Stay tuned for our next and final installment of Bachelor In Paradise, Season 5!!! And check out some of our previous recaps!