PoolBoy’s Review of Bachelor in Paradise Episode 3: Coconuts!

OK so this episode (episode 3 in the series but labeled as Week 2, Part 2) starts off with the continuation of the Tia/Colton/Becca drama.  Becca talked to Tia about everything and denied she kicked Colton off The Bachelorette because of Tia’s feelings.

Now Becca goes and talks to Cryin’ Colton about his feelings. He claims to be so in love with Becca but the fire or chemistry or emotion between them reads as just NOTHING. I’m just not buying this relationship as the reasons Colton is crying. I’m super over Tia and Colton at this point. Either they need to couple up and be cute or leave, because I’m getting bored withe fake-ness.  Give us something better. This is bleh.

Meanwhile, all the guys are laying together under a palapa discussing Colton and his emotions and whether he should stay on the show. Most of them think he should leave (including Chris, of course) but GJoe thinks it would be a mistake to leave. Colton walks up and is all like “yup, I’m cool now” and Goon aka Goose is not very happy about it.  This makes me happy.

 

COUPLES

Jordan and Annaliese

I guess he’s won her over. I really don’t like them together or him with anyone really.

 

Eric and Angela

I’m kinda feeling this but they are both boring to me so I don’t really care.

 

 

NEW ARRIVALS

Jenna

She’s so cute! All pink!  Jenna is a social media manager from Indiana who currently resides in Raleigh, NC.  She got eliminated in Week 6 on Arie’s season of The Bachelor. She’s cute and has good energy and I’m excited/worried she is going to destroy so many relationships!

OH SHIT. Jenna took Jordan aside right away and asks him on her date!!!!!!

I think the producers were like “talk to him first!”  Knowing this would throw major wrenches in Annaliese’s love story, it worked perfectly.

OH SHIT. Jenna and Jordan are kind of cute.

They ride horses on the beach and make out in the waves.  She can handle his bullshit, it just bounces off her energy field. Maybe it’s all the pink. Jordan is in love.

 

 

ANNALIESE NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Super Sad Face

She’s here for love, and everyone is all about Jordan and Jenna.

 

 

UGH JORDAN

Jordan talks to our girl Annaliese and tells her the worst and the best news ever. He doesn’t want to be with her and obvi wants to be Jenna.

HE LITERALLY TELLS ANNALIESE HE WILL GIVE HER HIS ROSE ONLY IF JENNA DOESN’T WANT HIM.

HE’S SUCH A DICK.  I really want him to get what he gives.

I love seeing pretty people get rejected but this all seems kind of mean. Like i would rather see this happen to like Tia or even Krystal, but it just seems cruel.

Maybe we will get our dessert after all because David (yeah remember he is here) suddenly shows up to confirm my suspicions that he is here to antagonize Jordan. He wakes up Jenna from a nap on the beach (under the palapa of course) and brings her a birthday cake because it’s her bday and such.  She’s very nice about it and eats the cake but butt-hurt Jordan shows up to cock block just as David hoped.

Jordan is dumb and throws the cake off the bed and then throws the plate onto the beach. But Jenna is into it?????? Ok.

The good news for Annaliese today is that she totally, matrix-style, dodged the ultimate bullet. Good for her!

 

Caroline

She’s from Arie’s season as well. She’s a beauty queen from Massachusetts.  She was eliminated on Arie’s season on week 4 so we didn’t really get to know to much of her, but she did steal the show on the Women Tell All episode for Arie when she confronted him about his behavior with Becca. She’s a good friend so hopefully something happens for her here.

 

DATE NIGHT

Caroline pulls GJoe aside to see whats up. He tells her he’s here for Kendall and we’re all like AWWWWWW. He’s such a good guy.

Caroline and Joe are super awkward and if they ever had kids, those children would die of embarasment after being born. Thank you to whomever edited the Joe waiting for Caroline in the bathroom segment. Thank you.

Caroline finally pulls John aside. He is also awkward but cute and admits in his interview that he has a crush on Caroline since before BIP.  I could see them together, but John doesn’t need to be here. What is up with all the boring dudes this season?

Caroline asks John to go on her date, he says yes. Caroline doesn’t usually go for nerdy Americans so she’s going to try something new and see how it goes.

John and Caroline’s date consists of eating dinner in a cute open air restaurant, and dancing for mariachis.

They had a pretty sensible convo about past relationships informing new ones and then kissed. I like Caroline but don’t think John has much to offer in the drama dept. This is all whatever for me right now.

 

Jubiliee

She’s back! I always liked Jubilee from Ben’s season of The Bachelor.  She’s been on Bachelor in Paradise before so she’s an old hat. I was always kind of hoping she would be the first black Bachelorette, but that “honor” went to Rachel. Jubilee is/was in the military and is from Miami. She’s pretty and cool, but I don’t see anyone here that would really work for her.

BUT she pulls John aside.  He’s a software engineer so they bond over being NERDS with John’s career and Jubilee’s military communications career. Suddenly John is a hot commodity. He’s bonding with Jubilee, but just went on a good date with Caroline.

Poor Caroline.  Sad is the beauty queen rejected.  Caroline gets some needling from Bibi to go after her D so she makes an effort to nerd it out with John. He’s Caroline and Jubilee’s hopes for a rose this week so they are both after him.

Is this really the drama we are getting this season? Like this shit is boring. I don’t care if John said yes to Jubilee’s date in front of Caroline and then ditched her on the beach, though Caroline’s reaction is hilarious, I want to see hearts being crushed in the sand.

I kind of like Jubilee and John together, though he’s so boring that i don’t really care who ends up with him.

 

 

Back to the Beach

Kenny plans a super sweet late night picnic on the beach with Krystal and gives her the real real. She turns arounds and gives him nothing! She wants to move slower. Like so slow nothing happens at all. She’s not feeling the connection with Kenny and she basically says so in so many words. He’s just sitting there like “OK”

I love how he just says “Thank you for coming” after she gives him her “too fast” spiel. SO GOOD. Kenny you deserve better!

 

Tia and Chris are still trying to force us to believe they have a connection. She’s only talks about Colton with Chris but he still “goes after what he wants” and apparently that’s Tia, even though we all know she’s in no place to date anyone right now.

 

Eric and Kenny’s convo about cheese and rejection did not make any sense so I’m just gonna skip that shit.  Moving on, Krystal really likes Chris for some reason.  She pulls him aside to talk on a palapa after he’s had his convo with Tia about being all about her and “going after he wants”

BUT SUDDENLY HE TELLS KRYSTAL HE’S IN NO RELATIONSHIPS WHATSOEVER.

Then he tells her he’s never kissed a blonde and Krazy Eyes Krystal (KEK) could “hold the title” SO GROSS.

What is Chris doing? Being a skeeze? He was just judging Colton on that shit and he JUST told Tia he liked her and he was going for her. Then he kissed Krystal?

This is the drama I am here for. I want to see gross people hurt each other. Krystal is gross. Tia is gross. And Chris aka Goose aka Goon is gross.

 

 

The next day on a palapa bed (oh if these palapa beds could talk!) Kevin casually tells Colton that Chris made-out with Krystal last night. Colton immediately goes and tells Tia this.

 

YES. This is great. This is the drama I want! Tia getting cheated on, being told by her ex-flame who she wanted but didn’t want her? OMG.  Colton says it best “He’s a tool.”

After Colton tells Tia about the kiss she is pissed and we are left until the next episode to see this resolved.

 

 

EPISODE SUMMARY

Finally, this season is getting a lil’ spicey. Chris being a big D is going well for the drams with Tia and Krystal. New peeps on the show is adding some much needed action with the Caroline/John/Jubilee triangle and the Annaliese/Jenna/Jordan triangle.

Can’t wait til the next episode when Tia confronts Chris about his douchiness.

 

Check out our reviews of past episodes ONE and TWO as well as our primer for getting in the glory hole that is Bachelor in Paradise!

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