Back to the Beach
We’re back in Sayulita Mexico with these crazies! This episode (episode 4 in the series but labeled as Week 3, Part 1) starts off with Tia confronting Goon aka Chris about being a total douche. Last night he was all about Tia and then like an hour later kissed Krazy Eyes Krystal under a separate palapa after using the cheesiest line ever (“I’ve never kissed a blonde before” barfffff.) Colton then ran to Tia like a snitch and Tia is now confronting Chris about his kiss with Krystal at the beginning of this episode.
This confrontation goes really well for Chris. He shows his true colors by trying to hide them. He literally gaslights Tia after she doesn’t believe his lies. She, thankfully, doesn’t fall for it (don’t let anyone gaslight you) and he just pulls out his shit shovel and digs himself a nice humid hole to die in.
The Things he says:
Chris – “what I said was real. If I would have gotten a date card I would have denied it.”
C- “yeah there was a moment [with Krystal] but that doesn’t change anything about anyone. I like you a lot.”
C – “Theres no facts because I told you that I liked you.”
C- “what are you talking about? You’re making no sense. Nothing has changed, I still like you.”
C -“I didn’t say anything wrong.”
C – “Tia I know what I want.”
Then, mid-confrontation, Krazy Eyes Krystal shows up to see whats going on. Chris does an about face and starts to backtrack on how much he likes Tia.
Chris says “I’ve told her [Krystal] that I like you. And I’m still confused about the situation. I am exploring my options.”
Then he pivots to blaming Tia:
C – “Last night I wanted to hang out with you more but you were with Colton and I don’t know what to make of that so I just kind of respect it.”
When Tia asks Chris if he saw her kissing Colton last night, he replies ” I just saw you guys to together for a long time what am I supposed to think in that situation? Am I supposed to do, not do anything?”
After making it his business in episodes 1 and 2 Chris says “I felt like it was not my business though. I know it’s a whole confusing thing between you and him and it’s for you guys to figure out and maybe I should just focus on talking to other people and seeing what happens in the mean time.”
This confuses Krazy Eyes.
Tia tries to make it clear she has no interest in Chris anymore to which he replies “That’s fine I had already made that decision.”
At this Tia laughs and asks “What decision?” Chris then says “That that was the case….that I was pulling myself out of….”
Tia – When did that happen?
Chris – like before this talk took place.
Tia (and all BIP viewers) – OK.
Krazy Eyes is RIGHT THERE to witness this all with a margarita in hand after she pops up mid-confrontation to…be there? I don’t know why she is there but she makes it worse for everyone and its great. BUT THERE’S MORE!!
Krazy Eyes IS INTO IT!??!?!?!?
Like whoa grrrl, this guy is no good and you can’t see it. Ever heard of ‘how you get them is how you lose them’? Krystal makes sure Chris is OK after the confrontation and then she cries by a basket of poms next to the pool. Bibi and Jordan are telling her to go for it with Chris because everyone hates her and Tia and Colton just need to be together because this shit is getting B-O-R-I-N-G.
Jacqueline is from Arie’s season. She’s a “research coordinator” who wants to become a therapist. She lasted pretty long with Arie,, making it to week 7 before she quit because she didn’t feel any connection with his lame ass. She’s from West Virginia.
She takes some girls aside to talk about who is available but, Jenna and Kendall give Jacqueline bad advice. They tell her to go after Colton. Colton?!!?? Colton turns her down because of course and he doesn’t want to look like a total a dick to Tia.
Tia can’t handle this and has a mini-breakdown in the bathroom while Jacqueline is talking to Colton.
Jacqueline says it’s awkward – like she stepped in poo – this biz of getting rejected on her first ask. And yeah it sucks. She doesn’t seem to connect with anyone here. We’re only four episodes in and it’s starting to get harder for new people to come in. Jacqueline feels like a shark thrown in an empty tank. Where’s all the chum?
Second question is why is David still here? Who does he have a connection/erection with besides Jordan?????
After rejecting Jacqueline, Colton tells Tia he really doesn’t even know why he is still here. And yeah, I am also on that train. Why are you here if you’re not gonna get your fuck on Colton? Stop being a snoozer. Fuck.
Jacqueline finally asks Kenny, her second choice, out on her date. He is sitting next to Annaliese when she asks him and Annaliese has to awkwardly sit and smile while this all goes down. Our girl Annaliese is still not getting any penis love on this show. Jordan was all over her initially but dropped her like a hot potato for Jenna. So now she sits next to guys who get asked on dates.
Kenny and Jacqueline kiss in front of fireworks on their date and say things like “I really like him” and “I don’t want this to end.”
REVENGE OF GIRLS
Annaliese is on a mission. Our girl isn’t gonna give up and neither am I! She grabs Kenny after his date with Jacqueline and makes some moves. She wants to be here. She wants a man. She wants love. She is going to get them if it kills her. She wrestles with Kenny on a palapa bed and they kiss. Her kiss with Kenny feels a little cheesy but I don’t want to fault anyone for trying to ignite something with someone before they are asked to immediately leave the free resort they are filming at.
So now we have a Jacqueline/Kenny/Annaliese love triangle?
FYI Tia and Colton are not ever, ever on the same page
FINALLY, FINALLY, Tia and Colton have like a real convo about things and are kinda honest with each other. Neither wants to be in BIP if the other is not here. Colton is at like a confused 7th grade girl level. He doesn’t know what he wants.
But everyone else on this show knows what they want and that is for Colton and Tia to get back together and this drama to be over. Bibi and Krystal spend more of their lives talking to Tia and Colton about Tia and Colton. Knowing that this drama is nearing to a close is reassuring. I would like to see what else is happening. Like what’s going on with Nysha? What about Eric and Angela?
Colton finally admits he can’t date anyone else here (and this drama is fake) and he wants (he thinks?) to be with Tia. This delights Tia. She finally gets what she wants. YAY Tia.
Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party
Alright, now down to business. Who will stay? Who will be unlucky in love and have to fake cry in an SUV with a film a crew on the way to the airport?
Tonight the men are giving out roses. And there’s 9 men and 13 women, which means 4 women have to go home this evening in the aforementioned SUV.
Bibi breaks its down for us:
- John has to choose between Jubilee and Caroline
- Kenny has to choose between Jacqueline and Annaliese
- Bibi and Nysha are the wildcards
- oh yeah David is here
At the cocktail party Jordan shows up dressed like a guy that LOVES working at Trader Joe’s and has a mom who sews.
Chelsea calls him the monkey from Aladdin and Jenna likes his outfit because she has zero taste.
Astrid and Kevin like German sausage
Tia and Colton are giving it another tired-ass shot
GJoe and Kendall are cute on palapas
Eric and Angela are here, as a couple.
Jenna and Jordan are a thing because according to Jordan she’s the most “stacked girl” on the beach. Cool.
Moves are being made!!!!
Bibi, a little desperate to remain in Mexico on vacation, makes a move on Kenny and they kiss. Kenny now has THREE women going after him: Jacqueline, Annaliese and Bibiana. He kisses all of them before the rose ceremony like a Vegas Goldilocks checking out dez ol’bed sprangs. He’s cute but I don’t see him having a deep connection with any of these ladies. Annaliese probably has the most chemistry but even then its like at 30% power.
David, still trying to be Jordan’s nemesis in order to remain on the show, gives Jenna a huge stuffed dog. A bigger stuffed dog then the one Jordan gave Jenna in a previous episode.
Jenna says one of her love languages is gifts so she appreciates it. OH GURL.
Jordan, ever the awkward model, walks right up and grabs the stuffed dog and throws it into the ocean. The ladies think this is wrong. The guys think this is hilarious.
David finally gets what he wants which is an outburst from Jordan. He starts freaking out on everyone. Jordan snaps at Jenna, Chelsea, Jubilee, and Krystal. He tells the ladies to “stop chirping him” and “shut the fuck up”
He then threatens to “burn this shit down”
but everyone’s like:
Annaliese and Eric talk him off a cliff and tell him to apologize to everyone. Jenna doesn’t know whether she wants to be with Jordan now (rightly so).
But Jordan apologizes to everyone and they all lukewarmly accept. I guess everyone’s cool with this douche. Though Jordan’s blow-up right before the ceremony puts a possible dent in his plan at Jenna domination.
This is who gives/gets roses and can stay on the show:
Jordan – Jenna – Jenna is the speed bump.
David – Chelsea – whatever
Kevin – Astrid – snausages
Chris – Krazy Eyes Krystal – ew
John – Jubilee – NERDS
GJoe – Kendall – yeah you will
Colton – Tia – zZZzzZZZzz
Eric – Angela -_____________
Kenny – Annaliese – wrestled it away like a champ!
That means Caroline, Jacqueline (Happy Bday) and Nysha (she had 1 scene!) and Bibiana (our hooha protagonist) are now gone. BIP is more like GoT than you could ever know!
Tia and Colton finally said I DO and are now a thang. Chris and KEK are heating things up I guess, though we dont really want to see this happen. Bibi is gone, sad face. Annaliese is still holding on by her fingertips. Kevin and Astrid are a strong thing too, but so far this season has been leaning more on the boring-side. The quality of new arrivals has been lacking and Tia and Colton are such old news. I would like to see some quality meat arrive next week and hopefully Jordan’s hold on Jenna begins to wane.
See you all in the next episode! BIP it!