PoolBoy’s Review of Bachelor in Paradise Episode 5: Y Is David Still Here?

Welcome to our weekly recap of season 5 of the trashy summer realityTV show Bachelor in Paradise.  It’s Episode 5 (week 3 part 2) now and we’ve got some semi-strong couples forming, but you never know what can happen!  We’ve got some new arrivals to change up the scene and some old hats are back on the beach including Clare and Arie and Lauren.

We start off tonight with the crew rebounding from Jordan’s outburst last night. He threw Jenna’s giant stuffed dog into the ocean and then called Chelsea a bitch. That made Jenna all doubtful about their relationship. The ladies had to sage each other because that shit was bad energy.

The women give out the roses this week so the balls in Jenna’s court. She can decide to keep Jordan’s balls in her court or not.

Leo, this week’s first new arrival, comes down the stairs and the ladies are WET.  They swoon over him when he arrives in Paradise. Chelsea calls him a “horse of a man.”

Of course he gets a date card and asks the ladies to talk to get a read. He chooses Kendall to ask on his date much to Chelsea’s chagrin.

I think Chelsea’s asking herself the same thing we all are: Why are you here? Like who do you have a connection with? David? Don’t give me that bullshit.

Also, why is David still here?????????????

 

The Date

Kendall and Leo’s date is cute even though she awkwardly left GJoe in pieces when she told him she accepted Leo’s date offer. They go to a nice house on the beach and Jorge is there! He’s the former bartender at BIP’s resort and was a great character on the show. He was replaced last season by Wells after he opened his own tourist company called Jorge’s Tourges. BIP producers made up some dumb story about Jorge writing a romance novel and now he needs a cover photo and Kendall and Leo will be it.

This romance novel story is illustrated by former Arie, Lauren, Ben and Clare. So that’s why they are here in the promos? And they pre-shot their scenes so they have no interaction with Leo or Kendall or the cast. Lame.  Also Clare really needs to take an acting class.  If you’re gonna be on tv honey……

Kendall and Leo seem to connect on their date and they kiss. A LOT.  K.I.S.S.

 

BACK ON THE BEACH

When Kendall gets back from her date with Leo she immediately goes to GJoe which is nice. She tells him about the date and how “fun” it was and GJoe hates every word she says. He’s dying inside right now. It kind of sucks because I never realized how much I liked them as a couple until this moment….blerg. Usually I want to see hot people not handle rejection well but this one is sad.

GJoe and Jordan commiserate about stolen love in a cute broski-way.  Kendall is torn. She likes Leo’s manliness but loves GJoe’s awkwardness. Leo is based in LA where Kendall also lives so she feels they would work better outside the show as a real couple, and GJoe runs a grocery in Chicago.  Kendall’s not really a midwest, snow-shoveling kinda gal.

While Kendall is talking to Astrid about Leo, he’s being moved on by Chelsea. She takes him to the hot tub and he says what everyone says “he’s open to whatever.”

Chelsea wants that D and she goes for it. She kisses Leo in the hot tub! Right after he made out with Kendall all day!!! OMG!!

Dang Chelsea!

 

The next day at breakfast. Kendall sits next to Leo. He goes in for a kiss but she rebuffs him! She’s thankfully not going to make out with Leo in front of Joe. That would have been absolutely cruel.

Kenny pops up (where has he been?) and offers a date card to Colton. He asks Tia duh. BUT LIKE OMG THEY GET TO GO ON ANOTHER DATE. WHYYYYYY??? Just let them/us die in peace.  Please.

 

Tia and Colton’s Date

Tia and Colton, the Romeo and Juliet of Bachelor in Paradise. They do some shopping in Puerto Vallarta and Colton jokes about how “marriage is death” and “let’s get out of the kid’s section”

He really seems like he’s phoning this all in, as are we all. He’s so hesitant. Raven and Adam, BIP’s previous season’s star couple, show up at a dance competition that Colton and Tia are tricked into participating in. Raven and Tia sit down to talk about love and shit and Raven drops a bomb. She doesn’t think Colton is in this for the right reasons. She doesn’t trust his intentions.  Raven thinks he’s a fame whore and goes after the “It” girls on the Bachelor shows.  Tia is understandably shocked and begins to cry. This is not what she wanted to hear.

GOOD FOR YOU RAVEN. Good on Tia too. A good friend tells the hard truths. Good friends are worth their weight in gold.

lt’s a sobering moment in Tia’s dream date and she tries to recover, forging ahead emotionally, by kissing Colton next to a street lamp. Colton asks her to be his girlfriend. So is it done then? Blah, I’m so over them.

POWER PLAYS

With new arrivals this week (see below) some strong couples might be dissolving. First it was GJoe losing Kendall to Leo and now Benoit has arrived and has a date card. He talks to Kevin and he says no one is really off the market but recommends he talk to Krazy Eyes Krystal.  That doesn’t work, she’s into Chris right now.  It also doesn’t work when he accidentally calls Krystal Kendall’s name.

Benoit takes Jenna on a date, in the real world, and she seems to be open and into him. I see her with a Benoit-type of guy more than a Jordan-type of guy. They are cute together. He’s chill energy matches her crazy energy. Jordan silently freaks out the entire night while they are gone.

It’s good that Jenna is trying out someone else because Jordan has been monopolizing her since she arrived.  I did, however, notice that Benoit has crazy eyes!!!!! Be careful Jenna!!!!

They kiss over dinner while it rains outside their portico.  Benoit gets Jenna’s lipstick smeared all over his face and it’s hilarious.

Their date leaves Jenna in major doubt about her and Jordan’s relationship.

NEW ARRIVALS

Leo

Leo is hot. He’s a stuntman from L.A. He’s from Becca’s seasons of The Bachelorette and got kind of far but didn’t have a deep connection with Becca.

 

 

Benoit

Benoit is a nice slice of Canadian bacon.  He was featured on Bachelor Winter Games and originally hit it off with BIP-alum Clare.  He actually proposed to her after Winter Games ended and they reconnected, but their engaged union only lasted a month.

 

COUPLES

Jordan and Jenna

Jordan is definitely delusional about his status with Jenna. He’s fallen in her eyes since the whole doggie incident. Just because he’s apologized by writing SORRY on the beach doesn’t mean she’s back on wit ‘chu boy.

 

Benoit and Jenna

Her date with Benoit this week went well and now she’s torn between the two men.  Benoit seems more like a cool man than Jordan but there’s something that Jenna loves about Jordan that makes no sense to any of us so it could be anyone’s game.

 

GJoe and Kendall

They are still hanging. Still awkward. Their romance seems so boring but that could just be me. Leo’s arrival has threatend the security Joe had established but Kendall is still undecided.

Leo and Kendall

They had a good date and she seems very smitten with him but he kissed Chelsea after his date with Kendall so what’s his deal?

 

 

 

Episode Summary

This episode was kind of blah. Tia and Colton are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Hopefully their story comes to a close. The drama between Jenna and Jordan and Benoit is heating up but Jordan bugs the shit out of me so I’m kind of hoping she chooses Benoit. Next episode is the rose ceremony so we’ll find out then.

 

Hot Take 1: John has the cheesiest jokes ever.

Hot Take 2: Chelsea is a dummy.

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