PoolBoy’s Review of Bachelor in Paradise Episode 6: Benoit’s Baguette

LETS SEE WHOSE LIVES ARE GONNA GET RUINED TODAY!

Welcome back to our recaps of this season’s epic summer trash tv Bachelor in Paradise!! We’re on episode 6 of season 5 and couples are falling apart!

Last night Jordan and Jenna’s bond became strained when she went on a date with French Canadian sensation Benoit. Jordan tried to steal her back by writing SORRY on beach with a stick. He’s very nervous.  He needs to do something more to get back in her eyes.

 

SCANDALO!

Ugh and Krystal and Chris are so gross together that it’s kinda cute. Astrid’s articulation about their coupleness is so accurate. They are like two gross aliens.  But we all know this is foreshadowing BECAUSE it’s about time to shake things up. Connor is here and he admits in his interview that he has a crush on Krystal.  The Goose is cooked!!!

Connor gets the date card and we all know who he’s going to choose. He asks Krystal to take a walk on the beach with him and she tells him that she had a crush on him since before the show! But she also admits she has a connection with Chris and would be thinking of him on their date and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. WHOA. Krystal is kinda cool? I totally thought she would dump Goose the second Connor’s dick arrived.  She’s got some pussy control.

 

It’s kind of cute how Chris reacts when she tells him what she told Connor. He’s very excited and happy (obviously) and he goes running around telling everyone about it as well.  He wants to make her feel special tonight.

BUT OH, BACHELOR IN P, YOU PLAY WITH MY HEART STRINGS!!! YYYYYYY

Like WTF?? Connor suddenly pops back up and asks Krystal to talk. He says “whatever you have to do with Chris is fine…but if you’re up to it, I would love take you on this date.” and Krystal LAUGHS. OMG.

She wants to be transparent and says “a long as you know where I’m at then I would love to go on this date with you”

I’m SHOOK. She just told Chris and Connor what was up and then changed her mind 20 minutes later. She is insane.

 

Date Night

Despite telling Chris she really likes him, Krystal goes ahead on her date with Connor. She’s dressed like the girl from Dukes of Hazzard and Connor is dressed like a regular guy on a trip to Wal-Mart.  They go to a beach where a non-descript mystical “indigenous” man does a love ceremony for the couple. He buries them in sand and recites some prayers and they go into the ocean (at night! nope!) and make out.

It seems pretty boring all in all. Krystal likes Connor’s spontaneity and chillness, two things Chris seems to lack.

 

Back to the Beach

Back on the beach Jordan is freaking. He has a heart to heart with Jenna where she tells him she likes him after he flatters her for a bit. Then she runs to Benoit and tries to tell him she’s done with him but his french accent convinces her to kiss him.

Jordan is so pissed he verbally drags Benoit to the hot tub to talk about Jenna. Its a very awkward conversation (Jordan tells Benoit “don’t curse at me!”)  To Jordan, words are not meeting……. Meaning – words are not matching actions. He’s disappointed that Jenna wont commit to him 100% and he’s exasperated at Benoit’s attempts to steal Jenna away.

Back on planet gross, Chris is staying up alone, waiting for Connor and Krystal to come back from their date.  I think he does really like Krystal and is going after her. I commend him for that. Get what you want Chris. The late-night Goose gets the worm.  Krystal doesn’t give him much to go on unfortunately. She’s tired and wants to go to bed. She’ll let Chris know tomorrow.

 

Remember Kenny?

Yeah! Remember him? The wrestler from Vegas? He’s still here. Still on this show. Yep…..He’s had like zero screen time in the last 3 episodes and now he’s leaving. He was kind of in a friendzone with Annaliese and he doesn’t want to be anymore. He takes Annaliese by the pool and gently tells her he’s bouncing. His daughter has a “recital” and he can’t imagine not being there. This all smells fishy to me. I really think that Kenny is just over BIP. He’s found absolutely nothing and I don’t blame him for leaving. Poor Annaliese. Who did you kill in your last life because you get no love in this one.

 

Remember Jubilee?

She came on for a hot second, looking to hook up with John. Well apparently, in a cut scene, John told Jubilee that he wanted to be friends. She wasn’t interested in anyone else so she bounced the next morning and all we got was a shot of her walking up the stairs and out of our lives. What is up with John? This show should be called John in Paradise.

 

NEW ARRIVALS

Connor

He’s from Becca’s season (there’s a lot of new meat this year) and he’s cute.  There’s not much to him, but I do know he’s a personal trainer. Bustle has a great bio on him based on his Instagram feed that I feel is adequate.

 

 

Image via Youtube

Kamil

Polish sausage Kamil is a model from New York. He’s cute and all the women think he’s nice to look at. Annalise almost floods Puerto Vallarta when he arrives on the beach.  She’s is so desperate for love that she’ll fuck anything that moves right now.  She jumps on Kamil immediately.  Most of the ladies are already taken or are dealing with love triangles so Kamil doesn’t have much choice on the matter. He asks her out on his date card after talking to the other women.

Kamil and Annaliese’s date is an ATV ride over a crazy bridge to a waterfall. They talk in the water.  Annaliese is definitely pushing this relationship but Kamil actually seems into it. Could our girl find love?!?!!?!?

 

 

Chelsea Go Lately

Chelsea has tried to connect with almost every guy here and has failed. She adds Kamil to the list of guys who didn’t want to ask her out on a date. She’s confused and so are we. Why aren’t guys connecting with Chelsea? Is it because she has a kid? That would suck?  Snack master and professional track suit wearer, Nick from episode 1, was into Chelsea but she didn’t give him a rose on week one so we off into the ether.  She might be bouncing soon.   This episode.

 

Benoit Balls

Jenna has a cute convo with Jordan on the beach and I do get the notion that he really does love Jenna. Like for RALL. He’s not gonna let her go y’all! Jenna goes to Benoit and basically dumps him. She wants to be with Jordan. Benoit throws a football into the ocean, like a sad Peanuts character while Jenna and Jordan play cute on the beach.

 

 

FIGHTS!

There are a bunch of fights this episode which is good since the Tia/Colton thing was drowning this show. First off, ABC makes us watch a lame fight between popular kids Kevin and Astrid that makes no sense. Kevin is insecure about their relationship based on what happened between him and Ashley I. during Bachelor Winter Games. He’s worried this BIP love isn’t real and Astrid will disappear once the show stops filming. She assures him she won’t and that she really likes him. I like them and her fake boobs and his Canadian ogre face.

The second fight takes place the next day (I think…time means nothing in BIP world) when Canadian ogre face Kevin is sitting with Kendall on a palapa and he casually drops the info that Leo kissed Chelsea after his date with Kendall. I say casually because Kevin did it without(he says) the knowledge that Kendall had no idea about the kiss.

This pisses Kendall off (roiling inside) and she confronts Leo about it. Leo tells her he likes her a lot and he didn’t think the kiss with Chelsea was a big deal. Kendall isn’t buying it and she dumps Leo. This pisses Leo off and he begins running around looking for the person who snitched on him to Kendall. This puts tension on the whole cast. Leo is on a rampage.

Leo starts being super passive aggressive with everyone until Kevin is so sick of it he goes to Leo and admits it was him who told Kendall.  They start arguing by the bar about whether the kiss was appropriate and when Leo should have told her. Leo is really trying to pin this on someone else hoping it will salve him and prevent his departure, but he does have some points. Everyone is kissing everyone here and that’s what you do in Paradise, you figure out who you like. Though it was a little scoundrelly of Leo to kiss Chelsea RIGHT AFTER his date with Kendall and he should have told Kendall right away about the kiss. It really is no one’s bizzniz who he kisses.

But, there really are no rules in the BIP game and if Kevin did GJoe a solid by derailing Kendall and Leo with the kiss info, it worked and GJoe is now back in the lead for Kendall’s heart.

Leo goes back to Kendall to talk to her and it all just dissolves. Kendall is a very direct communicator and Leo is an artful dodger. He calls her an actress. He tries to turn it on her. She handles it deftly but that just pisses Leo off more. He can’t handle a smarter woman. It gets pretty heated and GJoe steps in just in time to rescue Kendall. He is now the best dude on this show and Kendall needs to SUCK HIS D TONIGHT! GJoe is awesome. I love him. He handled this situation so expertly. He knew about the kiss but kept his mouth shut so as not to be dragged into a fight and look bad and IT WORKED.

 

 

Episode Summary

Ok so now, finally, this show is heating up. The Leo-Kendall-Joe love triangle dissolution was great tv! Well played ABC, well played.  Leo was such a villain! Joe is such a hero! I’m loving it! We get to see the final stage of the Kendall and Joe saga tomorrow night and I can’t wait.

 

Hot Take One: Leo seemed cool at first but I guess couldn’t handle his shit.

Hot Take Two: I love GJoe finally! I see what you were all talking about! The blinders are off!

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