PoolBoy’s Review of Bachelor in Paradise Episode 8: Beach, You A Main Hoe
Holy shit, we’re back with a new review of this season’s summer trash extravaganza Bachelor in Paradise! This show is nearing to an end but we’ve still got some good drama to deal with before the finale.
First off – Eric and Angela – drams galore! He’s been on Angela’s vagine since episode one, and when they went on a fantasy date he told her he was “all in” but last week he fucking accepted newbie Cassandra’s date offer and then came back and told Angela that not only was he not “all in”, he was keeping his options open.
Angela is pissed. She cries in the bathroom, cries in her interview and cries to the rest of the ladies on the beach. Angela’s new status as a single lady, one set aside when a new person comes on the scene, shakes the other girls to their core. Are their relationships secure? Can a new arrival shake up anyone? Let’s hope so (evil face)!
Cassandra and Eric’s date starts off with them getting popsicles off a street in town. Suddenly a dude with two horses shows up and they have to ride them in a horse parade into a sparsely seated arena, where they are pronounced King and Queen of the horses of Puerto Vallarta. Its kind of a lame date. There’s no palapa to lounge on and they have to sit in the stands after the show and….just talk.
Tia and Colton
Ok, finally, the conclusion of this lame love story. Eric and Angela’s demise not only shook the ladies, it also shook Colton. He finally fucking realizes he really doesn’t want to be with Tia. He wants to make her happy but he can’t because he’s not happy with her. Colton kind of has a mini-breakdown, realizing his whole life he’s just lived and done things to please others. He played football because everyone expected him to but maybe now he should start living his life for himself. It’s time for Tia to go.
I love how the editing in this show juxtaposes shots of Tia talking to Astrid about her confidence in her and Colton’s relationship, with shots of Colton psyching himself up to dump Tia. Tia is really gonna hate this. Colton comes down from his “oh fuck” spot and takes Tia down the beach to talk. It is time.
Tia handles it the way we expect. She sobs. She doesn’t understand. She’s hurt and Colton’s fake crying doesn’t make it better. Colton bolts after dumping Tia and straight up heads for his waiting SUV and leaves Tia to cry her goodbyes to the rest of the crew and then pack up and bounce alone. She’s shocked as she was literally just doing an interview where she talked about getting engaged to Colton. This day did not go the way she was expecting at all.
The rest of the cast is shocked as well. All the time this show wasted on this couple and now they are gone. Fuck Tia and Colton.
After this show aired, it was announced that Colton was going to be next season’s Bachelor so all this makes total sense. Barf. Great more drama where Colton pretends to be into women. The only way I’ll watch the next season of the The Bachelor is if Colton comes out of the closet and really blows America’s mind.
Back on the Beach
It’s nightfall when Eric and Cassandra return from their horse date. When he finally pulls Angela aside it doesn’t go great. She thinks he’s full of shit because last night they said they were together as a couple and he was “all in” for her and their relationship. He says now he doesn’t feel like she’s “all in” and he basically tries to put it all on Angela. Suddenly it’s her fault he feels she’s not “all in” (omg i’m so sick of typing that) but he’s the one that literally said that shit to her before his date with Cassandra so….??????
Angela goes to Cassandra and tells her the whole shebang. She’s done with Eric but wants Cassandra to know he’s not the coolest dude. Cassandra then goes and talks to Eric. Good girl.
Cassandra finds Eric and tells him she’s just talked to Angela. He stutters. Lol.
Eric does his usual spiel. He “changed his mind” overnight, even though he didn’t tell Angie until Cassandra arrived, blah blah blah. Cassandra questions his honesty and even though Eric feels like it was honest of him, Cassandra doesn’t feel like it was. He plays innocent, makes a turn and puts it on Angie. This all turns off Cassandra (naturally) and she says she’s done. Its all honestly gross. America is gross.
Now Cassandra might not get a rose because it’s the guys turn to give out roses this week. This put Cassandra in a bad position. Is she here to play the game or get a guy? Sometimes you can’t do both. Like I said, America is gross.
Jenna and Jordan – Jenna has a meltdown on a palapa (these fucking palapas get the most action yo) when she hears about Tia and Colton which leaves Jordan to come console her. Jenna and Jordan are weird but cute. The way Jordan tends to Jenna is sweet and the way they get over the shock of Tia and Colton being done-zo bonds them together more. I guess I kind of like Jordan and Jenna together. Her eyebrows are crazy, he’s crazy…..they deserve each other.
Astrid and Kevin – They seem to really like each other and work through some real world issues well. This could work.
Krystal and Chris – They are shook by the Tia and Colton call off but Chris shaved the baby hairs on his forehead so he’s really going for this.
Kendall and Joe – I’m still swooning over Joe from the last episode, so yeah, more Kendall and Joe
Annaliese and Kamil – they are still a thing??
This saucy vixen arrives much to the chagrin of the ladies. They wanted a new dude, not a lady, and Jenna rudely tells her that. Shushanna is not very welcome right now. She’s a mathematician from Utah by way of Uzbekistan and is a major threat to some of these relationships. Shushanna originally appeared on Ben’s season of The Bachelor but was eliminated in week 3.
Christen aka Scallop Fingers is an oldie but a goodie. She’s a pro at BIP, appearing on season 3 of BIP and Nick’s season of The Bachelor (as well as an odd, badly planned ABC spinoff series called The Proposal) and was nicknamed Scallop Fingers by Alexis, a season 3 BIP cast member, because she ate scallops in van and then touched Alexis’ without washing her hands. There’s not a lot of free guys here to take on dates so Christen is kind of shit out luck.
First Shushanna arrives and announces she has a date card. Then Christen creeps onto the beach like she fell off a fishing boat and she has a date card, so today’s date is going to be a double date.
This makes all the women nervous because this week there are 4 girls going home. That’s a lot. Shushanna takes Kamil aside to talk and they connect over their eastern European roots (Kamil is from Poland). This leaves Annaliese shaking in her flip flops. I thought she was safe, she thought she was safe….but no one is safe in Paradise.
Kamil admits to Shu that he likes Annaliese but that they agreed to keep it friendly. He accepts Shu’s date offer. He knows Annaliese is going to freak so he goes and talks to her. He sells it like a test for them as a couple and she doesn’t want to seem like a crazy desperate person so she pretends to take it all cool. SHES TOTALLY NOT COOL WITH THIS BTW, but she says she doesn’t want to be a “stage 5 clinger”
UGHHHHHHHHHH. I hate this shit. The messages this show sends to people. You should just accept douche behavior, and forgive it because you don’t want to be seen as “clingy”. WHAT DOES CLINGY EVEN MEAN?
Maybe Annaliese does’t deserve to be with Kamil, she needs to work on herself and be with someone that wants to be with her and not on TV.
Christen pulls John aside, probably because she heard he’s rich, and asks him on a date. John accepts her offer but he’s conflicted because he just went on a great (according to him) date with Olivia. But he decides, in his interview to us, that he’s going to go on his date with Christen to decide who (Christen or Olivia) he wants. Since John just started his courtship with Olivia I’m cool with him exploring.
When John and Kamil and the new ladies leave for their double date, Kamil tells Annaliese not to stress and have a good day. She assures him that she’ll have a “great day”. We then cut to Annaliese pacing and crying on the beach all day while Kamil is gone. HILARIOUS.
Annaliese without Kamil just consists of her crying to everyone.
Meanwhile, the double date couples are on a Jorges’ Torges yacht and they are riding a banana boat and lounging on transported palapas on the beach. Shushanna and Kamil sneak off to talk on the beach to talk and Shu admits she likes Kamil but she wants to know if he likes her. He’s all “I don’t know you but you seem cool” and Shu’s like omg I’m in love. They kiss and lay back in the sand with champagne. Annaliese is in trouble ya’ll.
Back in Paradise
The cast is lounging around wasting the day when Chris Harrison* pops up and asks everyone to gather around. He says there’s another date card to give out today but he doesn’t know who to give it to. He then brings in Jared and Ashley I. to decide on the date!! Everyone is like “awwwwwww” except for Kevin and Astrid. Kevin, who you’ll remember, used to date Ashely I after meeting on Bachelor Winter Games. Apparently they were still dating when Jared decided he finally wanted Ashley I. She dumped Kevin and immediately jumped on Jared’s dick. It’s a little icky but everyone wanted these long-lost siblings to work out so we’re getting what we wanted, even if it’s at the expense of Canadian Kevin and his sad ogre face.
Chris Harrison sends Jared and Ashely I., in heels, to the beach to decide on who should get the next date card but it’s all a ruse! Jared actually proposes to Ashely on the beach (she’s still wearing heels btw, it’s ridiculous) while the BIP cast watches from the bar. There’s also a Neil Lane product placement spot for the engagement ring so I’m sure their wedding will be televised and sponsor paid-for just like this ring. Look at Ashley I. getting all that shit for free!
Kevin definitely feels used and he totes was, but his Canadian earnestness made him think she really liked him. Welcome to America Kevin. Astrid feels for him and it brings them closer together. It’s nice for them.
Chelsea asks Annaliese if she has any insecurity about her relationship with Kamil and Annaliese admits it’s scary but she feels Kamil is her man and he checks off a lot of items on her What I want In a Man list. Chelsea thinks Annaliese is allowing her past to lead her future and she’s living in fear. Annaliese just knows she misses Kamil right now.
Annaliese vs. Shushanna, Round 1
Kamil arrives back from his double date and Annaliese immediately finds him. He tells her he’s got a lot to talk about with her and we cut to Annalise crying in her interview, anticipating his arrival from the double date.
Kamil tells her about his date with Shu, he thanks Annalise for allowing him to explore. Overall, he says, he’s happy to be back and didn’t feel a connection with Shushanna on his date. Annalise is ecstatic. She’s like “let’s fuck” and they go to bed and THEY FUCK (I’m pretty sure they fucked, ABC shows us nothing aside from some night vision footage of them getting into bed together).
Fuck yeah Annalise! That clinging worked out and Kamil likes her better than “shiny new thing” Shushanna.
Same goes for John, who goes to Olivia and tells her he likes her more than Christen, even though he kisses Christen goodnight. Looks like our 2 new girls are not having much luck with these dudes and the rose ceremony is coming up tomorrow!!!! gah!!!!
Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party
There are 11 ladies and 7 guys still trapped in Paradise. That means four ladies are going home tonight as it’s the men’s chance to hand out roses.
We know these couples will probably be solid tonight:
Chris and Krystal
Joe and Kendall
Jordan and Jenna
Kevin and Astrid
These love triangles will need to be decided tonight:
Kamil chooses between Annaliese and Shushanna
John chooses between Olivia and Christen
Eric chooses between Angela and Cassandra
As it’s the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, there’s time for people to plead their cases. Cassandra makes an attempt to woo Eric even though last night she told him his honesty was questionable. But I do understand her reasons, she’s shit out luck on dudes to get roses from, coming in this late in the game, so Eric’s her only option. Even though he’s sketch, she’s gotta get that rose from him. I don’t even know if Angela would accept his rose so it seems good for Cassandra to at least let him know she wants to stay.
Christen tries to woo John by teaching him to dance on a palapa and kissing him, but Olivia has a pinata set up for him. Both of these women are going hard for John and the guys are all amazed by it. There’s no trick here fellas, it’s called being rich (John co-founded Venmo so ya know….)
Shushanna blames Annaliese for not having any access to Kamil since their date so she’s scared she won’t get a rose. Wells asks her if she wants to give up and Olivia tells her to go after what she wants. Shu brazenly grabs Kamil from Annaliese, chirping out “See ya!” as she whisks him away, but on the beach where they talk Kamil tells Shu he opened up to her on their date but he felt like there wasn’t much to connect with and that she felt “closed off” and ultimately he “just didn’t feel it.”
This pushes Shu over the edge and she begins to sob. He tries to console her but she storms off in tears. I can tell she doesn’t get rejected often because she can’t seem to handle it that well. She feels like shit because Kamil doesn’t love her “on the inside.”
Suddenly, for the second time in this episode, Chris Harrison* jumps out from a bush he’s been hiding behind and announces that there’s going to be another guy arriving tonight with a rose to give out! That’s when Jordan, a New Zealander from Bachelor Winter Games, comes down the stairs. Chelsea is wet as fuck right now because it’s a new guy for her to not be interested in, and, as she tells us, she loves an accent.
The rose ceremony starts in 1 hour and that leaves Chelsea, Shushanna, Christen, Angela and Cassandra to talk to Jordan to see if they can get a rose. Christen pulls him aside fist and they talk about word pronunciation, something that Christen is not great at. Chelsea then has her time with Jordan and she begins by telling him she is”passionate about finding love”….whatever that means. She says she finds it difficult to connect with guys here because she has a few responsibilities at home and won’t leave Maine because she has a child. Suddenly Shu interrupts them and Chelsea has to bounce! What a horrible note to leave on! She just told him she had a kid and now that’s all he’s going to remember about her. This B is not getting a rose tonight! Chelsea’s vacay away from Maine just might be over tonight.
BUT OH NO. Chelsea don’t go down without a fight! Suddenly the cast notices that Chelsea has taken KAMIL to a palapa bed to talk and they are HOLDING HANDS as they walk to it. Annaliese’s stomach drops.
Chelsea knows Kamil is her last chance to stay in Paradise so she tells him she likes him and didn’t think she got a chance to get to know him before Annalies sunk her claws in. What a salty B!!!!!! I mean there’s no rules in paradise but it’s a mean thing to do. It’s shady, lady. Chelsea and Annalies were just talking about how much Annaliese likes Kamil!!!! Now she’s making a move on him? Shade shade shady lady.
So now Kamil has to choose between Annalise, Shushanna and Chelsea! Dang.
Annalise v. Chelsea, round 2
Annaliese confronts Chelsea about her shady ass behavior and Chelsea tries to spin it like Annaliese isn’t sure of her relationship with Kamil and that means it’s ok for Chelsea to explore her chance with him. That’s not what a friend does, Chelsea you dump B. Their convo doesn’t really go anywhere but it does reveal why no one seems to want Chelsea: she’s mean. Chelsea keeps needling Annalise during the cocktail party and now I just want Chelsea to gtfo. No one likes a mean girl. Go home.
The Rose Ceremony
Ok finally, we’re at the rose ceremony! Here’s who gave roses to whom:
Kevin to Astrid – the model North American couple
American Jordan to Jenna – crazy does crazy
Chris to Krazy Eyes Krystal – they be humpin
Joe to Kendall – Joe! Joe! Joe!
Eric to Cassandra – he chose the new gurrrrl over Angela
NZ Jordan to Shushanna – this might work and get Shu off Kamil
John to Olivia – he shunned Christen
Kamil to Annaliese – GOODBYE CHELSEA
This means Chelsea, Christen, and Angela are going home. ABC promised us the most dramatic rose ceremony this season but so far it’s not so dramatic. Angela takes off fast after getting eliminated but Christen has to sit down because she feels “light headed”, Kevin asks for a medic and oxygen to Christen. Chelsea starts freaking out in her after-interview. So the drama is just Chelsea and Christen being crazy and having panic attacks? Ok.
This was not the most dramatic rose ceremony this season (I would argue that was Leo’s exit) but it was fun. It’s good to see Chelsea finally eat it. And she went out on a low note by being a sneaky bitch. Also Angela finally left and I guess that means Eric and Cassandra are a thing? I don’t think that’s gonna last. We’re almost to the end of this season so the couples that are remaining need to stay strong through the next episode until they have to decide whether to get engaged. The previews for the next season look interesting as the rumor that Shu is a witch seems to take over Paradise, so hopefully the next episode is more exciting than this one.
Hot take 1: BYE CHELSEA
Hot take 2: Is Shu a witch? That would be cool.