PoolBoy’s Review of Bachelor in Paradise, Episode 9: Polish Popsicles Taste Like European Balls
Dang, we are at episode NINE of our epic summer trash journey exploring the best/worst of reality tv. You know I’m talking about Bachelor in Paradise! Whew, this episode packs some punches so lets jump right in!
We start off this episode with the more “established” ladies detailing the strengths of the relationships they’ve found here.
Chris and Krystal are still humpin’, Kevin and Astrid still rub uglies occasionally, and Jenna and Jordan are still weird. Annaliese and Kamil are still pretending they are a thing, as are Eric and Cassandra.
Chris Harrison knows all these fakers are desperate for love so he brings on 2 BIP success stories to tease this year’s cast into thinking this shit has longevity. Harrison brings out Tanner and Jade and Evan and Carly. You’ll remember these couples from BIP seasons 2 and 3, they’ve been the only couples from the series who have stayed engaged, gotten married, and now had children.
Harrison tells us and the cast that these power couples will interview the current BIP couples to see which couple deserves a date card. This is very exciting for Kevin and Astrid and Joe and Kendall. But Kendall and Joe are the cutest in the interviews so Jade-Tanner and Carly-Evan choose them for the date. Except the date is not a date, it’s babysitting Jade and Carly’s babies!
At first I was like ugh! There’s no babies in Paradise. Babies arrive 9 months after Paradise or never at all……but this babysitting date is cute. Jade’s daughter just cries the whole time because she misses her mommy (I sense a future BIP cast member in the making!) And Joe is good with the kids! He CAN make a baby laugh, and I could see Kendall and Joe DOING THIS. This could be them! Baby Fever!!!!
To “pay” for the babysitting, Joe and Kendall are finally given a date in town. They talk on the date beach about kids. Joe wants them now, Kendall is hesitant and feels like its a little fast but she’s only 26 (as of filming) so she’s got time.
To Eric or Not to Eric
Eric and Cassandra have (surprise) no chemistry. That’s because Cassandra learned Eric had been with Angela before she arrived and he had forgotten to alert her to this fact. Cassandra played nice after learning all this to get a rose last week but this week she’s suddenly not feeling it (HOWS THAT FEEL ERIC???)
Eric cannot handle this. He’s suddenly regretful that he betrayed Angela. He realizes he had a good thing with her and missed out on it. He cries to Kevin. It’s all v hard for Eric. He’s the villain now and he hates it. He goes and tells everyone he’s leaving. I’m happy he’s going to go because not only was he kind of boring, drama-wise, he didn’t really give us much to love.
When Eric goes to tell everyone goodbye they all think he’s coming to tell them he has a date card and he breaks down and cries. He’s had a good time here and made friends. i guess something about him just does not translate to video because they all sincerely seem to like him and group hug and cheers him goodbye. It’s sweet but i’m over him.
Not to Eric.
The Witching Hour
While Chris and Krystal get to go on a one-on-one date to solidify their L.O.V.E., the rest of the gang chill on the beach in front of a fire. They play Truth or Dare and Olivia and John are dared to recreate the hottest kiss ever with a jalapeño pepper. It’s very gross!!!! I couldn’t even really watch this segment. Something about people making out with pepper seeds all over their lips and mouths DISGUSTS ME. Sorry, but not sorry. Don’t watch this segment.
Annaliese gets to ask Shu a “truth” question and asks her if she believes in love at first sight. ???WTF IS THAT QUESTION??? Annalise should have used her truth to ask Shu if she wants to steal away Kamil! Shu says she does believe in love at first sight and then looks at Kamil. Cut to Kamil in an interview telling us he catches Shu staring at him long and hard and it creeps him out. In Shu’s interview she says she just doesn’t understand how Annaliese and Kamil work or why. She’s feeling like Annalise is more into their relationship than Kamil is and, she’s not crazy but Shu feels like Kamil definitely has feelings for her, not Annaliese.
NZ Jordan takes Shu aside to talk and she won’t stop talking about Kamil. She thinks she needs some more time before she moves on to another guy. NZ Jordan tells her nicely to let it go. But Shu feels “crushed” about the whole Kamil thing. She won’t let it go. She can’t. Uh oh!
RACCOONS OF LOVE
On Chris and Krystal’s Krazy Date there’s a raccoon who interrupts Chris’ declaration of love for Krystal by just wandering around the set randomly looking for garbage to eat. That’s basically fits the description of their relationship to a T.
The next day on the beach, Shu sits alone under an umbrella. NZ Jordan gets a date card and tries again with Shu to get her to go out on a date with him. All the ladies now feel kind of bad for her and want her to try her options with other guys because Kamil isn’t interested. She admits to NZ Jordan that she’s been holding on to Kamil but that she’s not ready to date anyone else. She recommends Cassandra and so he goes and asks Cassandra on his date.
Then Shu finds Kamil and drags him to the dreaded hot tub of awkward conversations, wherein she’s super awkward trying to get him to admit he likes her. He doesn’t grrrl! Shu is too scared to be open and communicative and too full of herself to accept that he wouldn’t be into her. I really don’t know what is going on with Shushanna. She says she likes a challenge and to go after someone who is not into her but I feel its more like she can’t handle rejection.
Kamil doesn’t see it this way. He actually calls her a “Russian witch” and says she stares at him constantly and it’s bothering him. Annaliese is all like “i’ll save you” and goes to Shu to tell her to stay away from her “man.”
Their convo is kind of anticlimactic but it is hilarious that Annaliese asks her if she’s doing witchcraft and putting breakup spells on them. Shu’s kind of shocked at this question and rightfully shuts down the conversation. Annaliese did no saving.
If I was Shu I would be like “YAH I’m a witch! And I’m a bitch! You better stay away from me or I’ll throw your voodoo doll into the ocean!” and then start casting spells on her, but that’s just me….
Yup BIP producers are still throwing new people at us, even this late in the season. Diggy’s from Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette and has appeared on Season 3 of BIP. He’s cute and a fan favorite in the BIP world. He pulls aside Shu first to talk to her and see whats going on. He’s come in at a weird time. Shu was just accused of being a witch and most of the couples here are pretty solid. His choices are limited. Shu turns him down on any kind of possible romance because she’s still not over Kamil (UGHGHHGHGH)!
Olivia talks to Shu on a palapa bed and tells her she needs to get over her shit and try for these other dudes. She says NZ Jordan is a really good option for Shu, they both know NZ Jordan had a thing for Shu because he pulled her aside when he first got there, but is it too late? While Olivia and Shu are talking about NZ Jordan, we’re shown clips of his date with Cassandra – they are having fun and making out on a beach – and it doesn’t look like NZ Jordan will be into Shu at this point.
Diggy ends up asking Olivia to go out and she accepts. She needs to play the field since John was her only option when she first arrived on BIP. Now that Diggy is here, there’s someone she’s interested in (she admitted to him she was hoping he would be on this season) and they seem to hit it off on their date. But what about John? I kind of like that it’s John this time who is in a love triangle with another guy and not two women. He’s had enough women throwing themselves at him, he needs to go after what he wants now.
Witches Don’t Need Maps
After NZ Jordan’s date with Cassandra, he arrives back in Paradise to Shu’s fire. She’s set up a campfire on the beach and we’re shown cut edits of a photo of Kamil in the flames – though we’re never shown Shu throwing the picture in the fire. But the fire is really for NZ Jordan. After her convo earlier with Olivia she’s realized she needs to move on and she’s suddenly set her sights down under. He’s surprised at her interest in him and basically tells her it’s too late. He’s already started something with Cassandra and he’d given Shu two chances to connect with him. He’s also confused as to why she so quickly gotten over Kamil when last night she told him she needs time pull out that Kamiltoe. She’s a little too all over the place. NZ Jordan comforts her while she sobs on a palapa.
Shu says she’s fucking single and not even a dog is excited to see her, and with that, this beautiful mess of an episode ends.
WHEW. OK. The babysitting date was cute and makes me love Joe even more! Overall I’m glad Eric’s gone but I don’t think we have much time to get into these new arrivals and relationships as we’d like because we’re 2 episodes away from being done-zo. Also Shushanna was really bringing it in this episode. What a sad sack of vodka potatoes! Grrrl, you are beautiful and on TV, a dog would totally be excited to see you! Also get over the fucking department store mannequin that is Kamil! He has no internal emotions and is a serial killer. Leave that shit to Annaliese, who like for real believes in spells. Who will get engaged in the finale? Who will breakup? We’re only a few episodes any from learning the awful truth about Paradise!*
Hot Take 1: Krystal had HUGE hands, seriously. Re-watch this episode and look at her hands. They are huge!
Hot Take 2: I would totally rather be called a witch. That would be awesome.
*Love is a socially constructed lie used to sell ad space to corporations.